Young Writers Society



smol frog

by postmalone


mai name is frog

i eat fried flies

i sit on leafs

undr blu skais

da wurld pases by

whail im shleeping

i hide mai home

so rain cannt seep in

i staay in swamp

fore i is yung

mai name is frog

bewear da tungue


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Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:38 pm
AneiDoru wrote a review...



The grammatical errors are, instead of an accident, purposeful and add meaning to the poem, because of how young the frog is. It has a sort of feel like a kid in kindergarten was asked to write like he or she was their favorite animal, and that their favorite animal was a frog. The last part of the frog trying to sound big and scary made me smile, mission accomplished!

P.S: I know you aren't looking for a review but I just wanted to make a cute little observation.




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 5:26 pm
postmalone says...



No offense... @alliyah @whatchamacallit @Kays

I wasn't looking for a review. Maybe some short and funny comments but that's it. Yes, I did make a poem similar to this. The frog in this poem doesn't really need a gender - either one or none mentioned works fine. The misspelling is also intentional and there's nothing that needs to be said about that, honestly.

Literally there was no point in creating this poem. Structure, dialogue, narration, plot, etc all went out the window.

As always, have a nice day.




Virgil says...


No offense taken! ;) Perhaps this belongs better in The "I wrote a poem, but don't need reviews" thread because you weren't looking for reviews and well...because this is posted, reviews are inevitable. We're not going to let this sit in the Green Room if the work is posted because that's silly.

Even your wall or blog may be a better place for this since you aren't looking for reviews, but that's just a suggestion.



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:47 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there screamingsloth! This is Kays here dropping in for a review. I can see that this is similar to the poem that you released called The Little Antisocial Bug awhile back. As I saw that poem and enjoyed that it's natural that for the most part I enjoy this one as well.

I have to say though that if this is done a third time I believe that this'll get old with the animal gimmick even though I can see this being a humorous anthology or collection where there's a whole group of animals speaking and writing poems in this way. Maybe that's the intention to have these connect because the first one is of a bug and the second is of a frog--is there going to be a third that continues the food chain?

I have to say that the first is a lot more...focused on a particular idea which is that the bug is antisocial and doesn't enjoy talking to people. This poem however is only based off the idea that this is a frog and that there's cute spelling--if you're going to do these types of poems more often I suggest that this be a series and that this is more focused or creative--the idea of animals writing these poems is going to get stale if there's not a twist or form of new idea to this.

Here the execution can only take us so far--adding a story to this as others have said is a great idea to make this more interesting to the reader. Please, I'd love to see this turned into a longer poem with a story because that adds another element to this that the reader can be invested in. The cuteness is cute and this is a simple poem but again, if you're going to keep doing this, give this an element that adds more such as a plot or narrative for this frog. Give us ribbits too.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:29 pm
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Seirre wrote a review...



Whatcha here for a review!

Um ... well, I'm not that into memes but from the comments this is one.

I take it for granted all the misspellings are on purpose, otherwise you'd have to be a bad speller ;)

At least the rhyming has a pattern. I'm very picky about that. Although ... shleeping and seep in are ... interesting rhymes.

I agree with some of the comments that you need more of a story. All we know is this frog eats fried flies, sits, sleeps in a waterproof homes, like all frogs lived in a swamp before he grew up, and thinks that people should beware of 'da tungue', as he says. Oh yeah, and his name is Frog.
At least, I thinks it's a he? You never even tell us that!

I can't really add much else to this, as there isn't really much to comment on.

I hope this helped, if you have any questions feel free to ask or PM me.
Keep in mind these are all opinions so don't take them to heart!

~whatcha

this review is brought to you by team Summer!




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:12 am
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lliyah wrote a review...



8 comments and no reviews yet! I'm here to review your piece screamingsloth! :)

So unto that review!

Concept
I like your recent style with the cute little spelling errors and short and sweet messages. I think that you have really excelled in creating or duplicating that meme-like voice that everyone recognizes from reading memes. It makes people smile, it's entertaining, it's a fun read. But I think you could go a little further as far as meaning.

This poem reads to me a lot like a Shel Silverstein poem. (Look up the poems "Batty" and "The Land of Happy" if you haven't already, they remind me a bit of your work). But even if Shel Silverstein's poem is silly, I still feel like in the better ones there's a twist that makes me question something or think about something in a new way. I'm not saying the message needs to be profound or obvious, but there should be something the reader can take away from the piece and say this poem was about "this".

So unto the message of your poem:
Message
I took the message of your poem to be that there's this cute little frog that's the speaker of the poem. Then we get a few plot points. Our speaker (Mr. or Mrs. Frog) tells us about their daily life (they eat, they sit, they sleep). They go into the details of how they sleep, and go on to a tangent about how they stay safe. Here as a reader I wonder, will the poem focus on this element of the frog's life? Is this the real conflict of the poem? But by the next line we're moving on to something else. Rather than continuing to describe their life, we have moved on to the frog's place of residence; the swamp, which they live in because they are young. Lastly we have the repetition of the line from the beginning "Mai name is frog" and the punchline of the piece; "bewear da tungue".

So a few thoughts; I think the humor of the piece comes from that last line, everything else is kind of funny, but that last line is the hidden gem partly because we're waiting for something to happen with this frog and nothing does and then this warning comes from no where. I think it would be funnier if you didn't mention the flies at the beginning because this line would become more unexpected, but it's still pretty funny.

I also think the poem has the opportunity to be more meaningful if the reader was more attached to this poem because of some conflict it was having. Readers love a sympathetic narrator, and it helps pull them along the story to see what's going to happen. Right now you just have half-conflicts (the sleep, the rain, the swamp, the frog's youthfullness) but it might be better if you focused on one a bit more and created a bit of danger or a more compelling conflict for the frog.

On the other hand, the tangents that the narrator go on are also part of the humor, but I don't think you repeat it quite enough. One tangent isn't funny (it's just a tangent), two tangents are funny (if the reader is observant enough to notice it's a tangent), three tangents are funnier, and more tangents are even funnier (because the reader can't miss what the speaker is doing and it becomes a character trait rather than a one time thing). So the frog goes into an extra weird detail with the rain and then again with the youthfullness and the swamp, if you want it to be a character trait of the frog I think you should do more of these tangents where the frog completely goes off topic seemingly in an unrelated fashion to create a bit more humor and intrigue.

Word Choice
So I'm obviously not going to critique spelling for a piece like this but there were a couple words I had to pause on an extra long time to decipher and you might want to make a bit less mis-spelled. "whail" was just so much like the word "whale" that it too me a moment to see it as "while". Also the word "seep" closely following "shleeping' made it ambiguous as to whether "seep" was supposed to mean "seep" or "sleep" because the words were so similar.

Overall, an enjoyable piece to read!

best,
~alliyah

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Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:48 pm
atlast says...



Okay but this actually made my day. Wonderful job, mate! :)




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Sat Aug 26, 2017 5:24 am
Rook says...



ah, a wonderful homage to my current favorite meme




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Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:54 pm
Poopsie says...



sick meme




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Fri Aug 25, 2017 2:10 pm
chaussettes says...



a true masterpiece




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Fri Aug 25, 2017 3:44 am



Memiest thing I have seen all day. It put a smile on my face. I would like some backstory though. Perhaps he comes from Kekastan? :)




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Thu Aug 24, 2017 6:11 pm
KayLou1609 says...



I love this poem. It really puts a smile on your face :)




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Thu Aug 24, 2017 5:07 pm
rosette says...



I am in love with this




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Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:44 pm
Frinderman says...



This is a beautiful masterpiece of art





We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor