there is a brave little sparrow
that chirps
every morning
outside of my room.
the cats love to try and catch her,
but she still sings for me.
the sparrow is beautiful.
sunlight pours in
through a small sliver
between my curtains
and wakes me.
it tickles my face
and warms my feet.
the sunlight is beautiful.
a breeze wafts in
from my slightly cracked window
to relieve me of the
summer heat.
air cools down my bedroom
and soothes my sore eyes.
the breeze feels beautiful.
flowers pop up
in my front yard
that attract buzzing bees
and give a bright aura to my street.
but as beautiful as they all seem,
nothing is more beautiful than you.
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hi screamingsloth! Whatcha here for a quick review!
These are my opinions, so feel free to ask questions, and you don't need to do as I say, I'm just saying what I think.
Okay, so first of all, I like the idea. I can tell this isn't supposed to be a rhyming poem, so there's nothing to say there.
For the first stanza, I might make 'that chirps/every morning' one line, as it seems to keep the poem more flowing.
Normally, I would say, change up the 'beautiful', like the sparrow is brave, the sunshine is cozy, etc., but for this, I think it works, because then your saying, 'nothing is more beautiful than you'. I might italicize 'you', but that's up to you.
Maybe in the second last stanza, you could mention something about curtains getting ruffled by the breeze - that would really complete the picture for me, but you definitely don't have to.
In the last stanza, maybe you could change 'flowers pop up' to 'flowers unfurl', or something, as that sounds more natural to me, but maybe that's just me
Anyways, this is a great poem, so keep writing!
~whatcha
Hello, hello, gxldencrxwns here for a review.
The poem's overall idea/theme is pretty good and was handled and worked well. Good job. I really didn't see any rhyming so I'm guessing it's a free verse, but I won't harp on you for that. You made the scene easy to imagine by using detailed words, describing it very well. I really like the last stanza of this. It says that although there are many beautiful things in this world, they're not as beautiful as the 'you' presented in this poem.
Keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns
Thank you! ^-^ love your name, by the way
Personally, I loved it! I think that the structure is effective - the one liners that are like "the sunlight is beautiful" definitely emphasises the beauty of things. The poem makes things have a positive side, as some people would say that a breeze feels annoying or nerving, but here you make it seem enjoyable. The tone is calm, and it helps the poem flow.
You have a good way of making the reader picture things - it's an amazing talent!
Awe, thank you! I literally wrote in in five minutes and posted with hardly any editing haha. Have a nice day!
I wish I could do that
I could edit for days and still find errors with my own work. Thank you, have a nice day, too!! 