His cheeks were as soft as silk.
I brushed my fingers
against them,
delicately,
as if they could shatter.
His hands were callous and rough.
I grasped them, rubbing away the dirt
and cleaning the sores.
Intertwining hands,
interlocking fingers -
this must be what love feels like.
His heart was tired and battered.
As badly as I wanted to come in,
repair it,
and be loved back...
I stayed my distance,
turning my head so that he could not see
my tears -
how I weep for a love
that will not again arise.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello,
Honestly this poem was the first of the few i have read that truly tugged at my hearts with a true and strong effect. This is a topic many people can feel, and not just on the end of your view but also on the view that the person that is broken. Well done truly expressing emotion and bringing your reader in to the piece of writing. Love the "intertwining hands, interlocking fingers" portion of the piece because it is vivid and easy to relate to.
With all free verse you have a little more leeway in terms of structure so I feel like although yes structurally it isn't a 100% you are allowed to have a bit of a relaxed sense so that the emotions truly are expressed. It sometimes comes at a cost to have a structure that is followed to the dot, free verse lets you be yourself and have your own voice shown to the world.
Overall i thoroughly enjoyed this piece and would recommend keeping with the idea of free verse but tidying up is always allowed. Enjoy the process that is the main thing for writing if you get lost in the structure you lose the effect you want to have on people.
Have a good day or evening
Thank you! Have a nice day too
Hello
it's Gina back for another review. Something that you do very well in your poems, I have come to witness, is that you pull emotion from people with relateable topics and romantic wording. You have done it again with a beautiful piece of poetry that I really find nothing that needs correcting. I was a little confused by your line placement and how long they were (like when and where you paused), but the thing about poetry that separates it from other forms of writing is that it is very personal and unique to its author, so please correct me and let me know if that was just a presentation choice of yours. Overall, I loved reading this, it made me feel emotions that I didn't think a three stanza poem of twenty lines could make me feel lol. Keep up the great writing, you are a natural poet!
The line placement and pauses could certainly be edited haha I didn't really know what to do with them. But thanks for the positive review.
Beautiful and tragically sad, pulls at my heartstrings for sure and makes me think of certain people. The emotion is tender and I can just see it like a scene from a movie in my head of the heartbroken women. People that love someone with all their heart, this must be their biggest fear, of losing that one someday. I enjoyed getting the emotional pull from your poem as it got me thinking and remembering. Keep up the excellent work, I like your poems and such.
Thanks Juleza! I tried to make an emotional pull here, and I'm happy to see it worked.
I'm gonna read some of your work soon too
lol no problem, and i hope u like my first short story, it has horror in it so if u don't mind that lol then i hope you will enjoy it.