your love:
it roars louder -
than my monsters
in my head;
and my demons
in my heart.
your voice:
it speaks volumes;
above my heartbeat,
whispered into my ears,
mumbled into my shoulder,
and comforts my lost soul.
your touch:
it warms me.
from my head,
to my toes,
and everywhere else.
but your words ?
they fill me up.
shattering my heart with every syllable,
with hatred and rejection.
telling me you don't want me,
and i'll never be enough for you.
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hi, BlueRoses!
If you have no idea who I am... just call me by my username. I never, NEVER, ever review poetry so this is a pretty big deal for me. It was short, sweet and simple, conveying a lot of emotion into just four stanzas. I liked it.
But a few things here had me going hmmm. Lemme share them with you:
I don't really see where you're going with the whole "monsters in my head" and "demons in my heart" part. The whole remainder of this poem is how this girl feels, how the boy makes her feel, and her reactions to him. Monsters and demons don't have anything to do with those three. I mean, it would make sense if the creatures had some significant role in her relationship with the dude, but you don't say that. Actually, that first stanza is the only time monsters and demons are mentioned.
This seemed to be going good and then things got a little summarized. Er, odd, I could say. Can I be blunt? I didn't like the red part all that much. It was kind of like you were going, lets get this poem over with, people know what I mean. Of course, I have no idea what you really were thinking but that's just the impression I got. XD Did you mean something more along the lines of and everywhere in between?
Other than that... yup, those are all of my little nitpickings and such. Great work, Blue! I enjoyed this and hope you found this somewhat helpful? Whew, I am so bad at this. Anyway, have an awesome day and keep up the greatness!
-TheKid
First off, I'll start with what I like about this poem. I like the feeling and the meaning you put into this poem. It really grabs the reader and pulls them in. Now, I'll get to reviewing!
.
"Your love:
It roars louder
Than my monsters
In my head;
And my demons in my heart."
I would change it around just a little, maybe something like this;
"Your love:
It roars louder,
Than the monsters in my head,
And the demons of (or in) my heart."
I think it flows a little better that way.
"your voice:
it speaks volumes;
above my heartbeat,
whispered into my ears,
mumbled into my shoulder,
and comforts my lost soul."
I would also just make a few small changes in this verse, like;
"Your voice:
It speaks volumes,
drowning out my heartbeat, (or 'the sound of my beating heart'.)
Your voice:
Whispered into my ears,
Mumbled into my shoulder,
Comforts my lost soul"
That was all I saw, I hope this review was helpful, and again, I really, really like the feeling and the meaning you put into this poem. My favorite part is the last verse.
Keep writing!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Okay, something was wrong with my internet connection and it messed up my reply to your review. I apologize for it happening so many times.