Young Writers Society

Usually I try to spot things that I could see being better, first. But this poem is already quite crisp, and I like also its elements crepuscular.

"The wonders of life begin, as infants drifting aimlessly, new bodies gripping the earth..."
Rarely do I see an intro so productively profound. See, that's what I truly read there after I had seen the entire poem, I saw a ponderous metaphor. I also don't know if this was your intention or not, but considering the graphics shortly to come in the second half, big red man almost could be symbolic of devilish tragedy, cruel tricks and irony.

The repetition of the word little works subtly well here, getting better the more numerously it is passed over. Now for all this that you have set up for us however, the shock of what's coming is a description that falls flat, and should probably pack more vibrancy.

Since you say warm red drops you might consider saying "frigid or chilly" white snow, or expunging the white so that we just have snow. It would mostly just be an aesthetic thing for the flow and format you have been going with in this poem from the outset.

You could get a more thorough internal rhyme by saying "doctors saying they weren't able." Besides, you're already working with present tense by using coating and wailing.

"death, and car wrecks," So the ice congealed over this poem is not as thin as you may conjecture at first glance. How do things Mount and get so severe from such tiny and seemingly insignificant and isolated series of events? Well the snowflake, under the right conditions, concocts a blizzard. "A blizzard of bullets to gag the holiday-spirited plays," i'd suggest that the shootings line could be emblazoned a little bit. That's probably great opinion speaking though, since i like poetry to seize me somewhat.

Now we reach something of an ambiguous end here, for we don't know who has been lost and we have to supply our own experiences into the deserted snow angel. Nor do we know anymore of the unsuspecting step that gave way. I'd almost like to see another 4 lines or so, right after winter-themed plays, or attached to the ending here. I feel like anything poignant slipped away into merely a cliche sigh of ethereal generic heartache: but perhaps that what death is for many lives.

So I would mark this treading-softly-over-the-stained-snow piece, aaaaa-Aa-aa 7.25/10 What really makes it lose a good 2 points it easily could have had, was that the reader is picking up hints about your message, but its coming to us in an ooze of fog. We ought to be able to pick up at least 4/5ths or 80% of the meaning of these lines, but I leave feeling a little disoriented, some part of me insisting i missed a big clue or two in the transmission. But the imagery and main feelings were expressed in a very understandable form.

Hi,
I will try to review this in harmless way possible.

!!!*!!!

Your poem is a fast read for me. I understand each points straight ahead although I don't know whether I misstep this one. It seemed to me that this poem is about someone's innocence happy longing for a person that's always giving children toy when it is the first day of winter. And someone's anxiety over the danger of misstep on ice.

A contradictory piece. If I may explain the reasons you used the roman's numbers is because you used them to display the contrary between two ideas. I love using these beautiful III numbers actually. That's a preference though.

So going into the meats, I'll try giving my thoughts on some parts.

the wonders of winter begin with

the dangers of winter start with

all over the news
there is death
car wrecks
shootings at winter-themed plays

Hey!

So this poem sounds like it has deeper meaning then a lot of people would probably catch on. So let's get to it!

So obviously there are roman numerals. Now I have not seen this before but I think it adds a unique addition to an already unique poem. So in the beginning it has a lot of happiness and everything. Like the Santa Claus bit was cheery but it directly led into the II part. I think the second part was the biggest part that stuck with me. It shows that you should also be careful even with the tiniest of things. The image of the warm red drops on the white snow. I think maybe it can be seen as maybe you're happy (part I) and a little thing can hurt you, affect you, anything and just the littlest things can affect a person. I mean it could be small but anything can push someone over the edge and that could make them feel that they should kill themselves. I don't mean to be a let down or anything but the poem itself has "cold" themes. (Get it)

Anyway.... This poem is good, it had a big affect on me, a positive one. This poem is a deep poem, it is simple but it just makes the entire poem come together.

Sarah24

This is ZeldaIsShiek back for another review of dramatic poetry! One comment I would like to start this review off with is the fact that you separated this poem into two sections with roman numerals. I wonder if there is a specific reason you are doing this? Anyways, let's begin.

To start, I'd like to comment on how well you used emotional separation. Emotional separation is where the author of a poem or a story separates opposite emotions to portray a rising and falling action in the story as if it were a book. This makes your poem flow naturally and feel more like a story. It is a method used to bridge the gap of poetry and mainstream literature, creating profound moments and unique experiences with your characters, but more on that later. Let's move on.

This poem didn't have too much wrong with it, but I could tell that there were some things you could have fixed in it. I noticed that you separated your poem into two sections, which is a very unconventional tactic, yet and effective one. I don't see many (if any) grammatical mistakes in this poem, so I will move on.

I really loved how you used emotional separation to your advantage in this poem. You made the first section about how happy Christmas was for you, while the second section was about the tragedy that came during the same winter. This coupled with your use of different sections made this poem feel very rich.

TLDR: Great work, and great use of emotional separation!

P.S. I recommend you read the whole thing if you read the TLDR and this first!