white
the space around me
the void i live in
high-pitched noises only i can hear
migraine screaming at me
white
the color of my eyes as i cant move
my skin after reading his words
the life draining out of me
illusions of a shattering aorta
white
a storm whisking away my hope
putting me in denial
blowing away dandilions i pick
as my will to live gives out
white
the sweet shade of my ashen face
as i pluck those weeds' leaves one by one
my pasty, dusty lips whispering
he loves me, he loves me not
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hey BlueRoses15! It's your friend dramamine here for a quick review. (sorry i haven't messaged you in a long time, i hope you're doing okay)
Firstly, I would have to say that I think this is the best poem you have ever written. It is quite great, honestly. Some of the word choice may be a bit awkward like "pasty, dusty lips" or "shattering aorta" and the ending of "he loves me, he loves not" may be a bit cliche but that's okay. Everything else here is pretty wonderful, emotion-packed and raw. Your writing skills have vastly improved (I didn't mean to sound like an a-hole here, sorry if i do) so I can't wait to see what you have to offer in the future. Great work, really
Have a wonderful evening and keep writing!!!
Thank you drama! I honestly tried to be like you and @marmalade when writing this. You two make poetry seem indescribably beautiful with your talent and awesomeness! <3 stay amazing
awe thank you! <3
thank you so much! that really means a lot to me
Hey there! How about a review?
The stanza's I thought flowed pretty well, and this wasn't exactly your typical heart-break poem- which was cool. I mean it was, in some ways, but you did put something else in it that seemed to work nicely in your favour of originality!
I feel like you can do better than "high-pitched". This might be a good time to use some imagery to explain what you mean, rather than that. Or... Think of what's high-pitched? Screaming? Chirping? Howling? Maybe try to use a word that doesn't need the description "high-pitched" and that people already know instinctively is high-pitched. Just a suggestion.
I was delighted to see that you never used heart ONCE in a heart-break poem. And I was equally thrilled to see that you used "aorta" instead. Word choice can be a splendid thing.
I don't really feel like the repetition of "white" did the poem any good. In fact, I feel like it disrupted the flow a great deal. I agree with the reviewer below- the repetition of "white" may have worked a bit better if there was more of a pause before we read them. I know formatting poetry on YWS can be a pain, though. I've taken to using stars, these days. XP I mean these things: "***" and I just use one to make the stanzas more distinct. But you might not be having trouble with that at all.
But why "white"? The only stanza I felt it worked the best on was the very last one. Everything else seemed more like it was describing the absence of colour, and white isn't really the absence of colour, it's actually all colours, and tends to represent happy things, joyous things.
Anyway, those are just my thoughts! Nice poem! Keep it up! ^_^
-Socks
hey, here for a review!
I'm going to put comments at the end, so now let's get right into the poem.
I think that your poem would be better out if you had some type of stanzas so you could really put an emphasis on the words "white". I will put in quotes what I feel would be a good looking and emphasizing structure.
Some lines that lead into other lines, do not really make sense to me when I read them. I feel like the flow that your have started to create gets cut off. Here,
I just think that another line other than "migraine screaming at me" would fit better. Something that fits the "where I am and how I am living" stanza theme you kind of have going on.
I would also check on the spelling of "dandelion", just some little spelling mistakes.
In this line here, , it doesn't really make sense to me. I previously didn't know what an aorta was and it's a main artery, and I don't really it can shatter. But, I do think that it's okay if the literal meaning was not implied. That was just my two cents.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem and I hope to read more of your works! Best of luck on your other poems and works!