you --
it's you
only you...
you were the abyssal void
that filled my heart,
and wrapped me up among the clouds.
with luminescent stars,
your radiance shown
throughout the inky velvet
stretched across the sky.
crescent moons etched into the
dimples of your universe.
a cosmic ocean full of
plumes of fog,
and a horizon of infinitesimal blackness...
when dusk crawls upon the foggy ground,
I will look up and whisper,
take me to the centre of your universe
and take me to see your meteor showers,
and take me, oh take me,
to see your celestial heart.
under the light of the moon
I grasp the crisp night air
reaching for you
and praying for an eclipse
so that you will not see
how my heart --
how it breaks for you
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This is Nikayla hopping in for a review!
I can see the structure of the stanzas gradually going up by a line in this poem, and I find that to be interesting though I'm not sure how I feel about the first line being only a single word. The first two stanzas (if you can even call them that) feel melodramatic in that the ellipses of the third line don't happen to add anything to the poem.
I'm also not a fan of the inconsistency of punctuation in places of the poem where you decide to use periods and to end sentences in some stanzas but not others (the ending line doesn't end with anything though I think you intended to have a period there). In a way, I feel you're trying to be too poetic with this poem and lack a theme or concept at the start, though that grows to be nighttime, the moon, and the stars, and I do admit, the imagery that you use there is solid.
The romantic aspect of the poem is one that I don't find to be too strong and mostly follows along with what romantic poems usually turn out to be, but that doesn't mean I dislike the imagery that goes along with it.
The end of the piece is actually quite a strong one with the eclipse and I think that's an interesting twist on it, more than the rest of the poem is. I think that you have some talent regarding imagery and descriptions, you just need to clean the poem up with editing and refining to make this an overall stronger piece. Keep up the good work, and, if you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Best wishes,
Kayla.
I have no suggestions to make. This is a great poem. It really reaches the readers heart, really makes them feel what you are saying. I love the pain, the sadness, the little bit of desperation in this poem.
"how my heart --
how it breaks for you"
I like the whole poem, but this is my favorite line. Keep writing!
Thank you!
(Side note: I wrote this with 1 line, then 2 lines, then 3 lines etc. all the way to 7 lines. Just wondered if anyone would notice)