Wind in the willow,
Coming from the East.
Within the forest
Lies the beast.
He stalks his prey,
Day and night.
Nowhere to run.
Nowhere to hide.
He laughs like a hyena,
He growls like a tiger.
He says he cares about you.
But he is a liar.
The way he smiles,
It makes you come near.
Then he shuts you out,
While you shed your tears.
He's very beautiful.
He's terrible too.
There's just one problem,
He doesn't want you.
Wind in the willow,
Coming from the East.
You can't escape him,
He is the beast.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hiya, Gravity!
It's Storm here for a quick review.
That's all for this quickie, so as always: Write on!
So many people can relate to this type of story, so the reader can most likely connect with it. (I know I did. -___-)
Anyways, I couldn't find any mechanical errors, so you're solid in the punctuation and grammar. However, the flow and pattern of the poem seem a tad lacking, as did certain phrases. You have a great foundation here, but it feels so basic! You can really tap more into the emotion or imagery that you've scratched the surface with. I love the metaphor about this beast's forest, so try expanding with the visuals you have begun to create. For example, I love:
"Wind in the willow,
Coming from the East.
You can't escape him,
He is the beast."
Perfect! Then it feels like there's something missing, and very simple in:
"He's very beautiful.
He's terrible too.
There's just one problem,
He doesn't want you."
Maybe it's just me. xD Haha
But overall, Gravity, I like the comparisons to this animal-like boy who breaks hearts! It's a great approach.
---Stormsie
Hey DefyingGravity!
I really liked this poem! It's very simple, but I enjoyed that as well!
I can't find anything wrong with it. You use great juxtaposition, anaphora, repetition, it's a GREAT poem! Enjoyed it.
Happy Review Day!!!
-Sbitonti
Hi! I'm here to review your poem here! While I was reading this poem out loud, I enjoyed it quite a lot as it had a lot of rhythm and flow without too much rhyme. Bravo! Bravo!
However, in this poem, it was never explained WHO exactly the beast was. In fact, it sounds like the beast is pretty humanlike to me. Of course, he could be a human.
I'll be going stanza to stanza! Be prepared!
The second and last line has a small problem you see here. It just sounds like East and beast was forced. It should be rather smooth and related to the rest of the poem. Also, speaking of being related to the rest of the poem, I believe that the first stanza doesn't make sense with the rest of them except for the last stanza. You say that the beast is "within the forest", but you never say anything about a forest at all afterwards. Some confusion is stirring around...
I especially like this stanza. It does show a small distinct way of making fear out of the reader. Great job!
The first two lines are lovely. They show the features of a beast (two of them) in one "beast". Interesting.
Although, the last two words in the third line seem completely unnecessary. It feels like it breaks the flow. If you don't feel comfortable about that, you may change the last line. That would probably fix the stanza immensely.
This is another one of my favorite stanzas. The flow, the subject (the way it focuses on one thing), and the simple way it relates to the rest of the poem truly makes me want to listen to more!
Another wonderful stanza. Just one problem. "Beautiful" isn't probably the way to explain a guy who you like...
Nice closing. Since it repeats the beginning, that makes it had a nice feel to it, but like I said, it just doesn't relate to the rest of a poem. A human doesn't live in a forest you see... Well, not most of them.
Overall, this was a nice poem. Especially the rhythm. That's the part I love about it. Due to a few small problems, it isn't perfect, but there is no such thing as anything PERFECT! Keep writing!
Lol. The forest isn't really a forest. This was written about a boy. The forest is within The Beast, it's where he hides from everybody. It's a symbol for a shell almost. The Beast keeps his true self inside "The Forest" where no one can see him. When I call him "beautiful" I mean his ways... not his appearance. I was trying to imply that he is terrible and beautiful at the same time. I'm glad you liked this. It was the first poem I ever wrote that came from my heart.
Hello there, I'd love to give you a review on your poem. ^^
First of all, I absolutely love the opening/closing stanzas. They bring the poem closed very efficiently while having a steady rhythm about them.
"Wind in the willow,
Coming from the East.
Within the forest
Lies the beast."
The rest of it is very constant and solid, and I love the animal analogies. But the flow it had seemed to drop off when I got to the second last stanza--
'You love him,
He doesn't love you.
Whatever He says,
It isn't true.'
There is something a bit off with the rhythm here. Maybe if you put the word 'but' in before the second line it would read a little nicer. And this stanza seems slightly out of place--I'm left wondering why or how someone could love this creature. As you said this was about a guy you liked, maybe you could involve a part about another side to him that you care for despite his flaws. All we see are negative traits like growling/laughing.
All in all very well done, it's lovely poem. ^^
thank you. I think I will revise it and put in a new stanza
I read the revision, it's absolutely gorgeous and flows so nicely. ^^ Well done!
Thank you
pssst: shift-enter to only jump down one line instead of two ^^
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're welcome ^^
Hello its Joe to the reviewing rescue.
Great poem defyingravity01 errr if that's your name (I suppose it would be rather unfortunate if that was your real name)
Anyway awesome poem, amazing in fact dare I say possibly Awesmazing. But really good no matter how you slice it. I'm not sure if I completely understand it but that's not what poetry's about. My favourite part would probably be..... this part
"Nowhere to run.
Nowhere to hide.
He laughs like a hyena,
He growls like a tiger.
He says he cares about you.
He is a liar."
Its just so good. Great mood setting too. Also there's a real hook at the start and at the end you bring the story to full circle which is nice.
"Wind in the willow,
Coming from the East.
You can't escape him,
He is the beast."
Love the end just all in all a great poem.
Anyway got to go, its my bedtime, but if you ever want help just give a yelp and come to my page to ask me. While you're there check out some of my works too.(if you want)
Welcome to the YOUNG WRITERS SOCIETY
Thanks Joe. and no, my real name isn't defyingravity01, I just prefer to be anonymous on the internet
@DarkKnight9 this is what my poem was about, and yes The Beast symbolizes a person.
The poem is about a boy that I had feelings for, and possibly still do. It's just about how horribly he treated me when we actually were friends. He said he cared about me, and he didn't. But hey, that's life and it inspired my first poem. So it can't be that bad, right? Thanks for the nice things you said about the poem, I'm really proud of it
I see^^ It make sense to me
Thanks for explanation!
yup. no prob
@DarkKnight9
Hello its Joe to the reviewing rescue
Agh I hit submit by accident just a sec
Hi defyingravity01,so here is Dark to give review on your poem!
I love the concept here although it is quite puzzling here;
# He says he cares about you.
He is a liar.
You love him,
He doesn't love you. -->You put the elements of human character in these lines.How can the victim loves this beast?Could it be a representation or symbolism?It really confuses me about what exactly is the meaning behind your poem here.So I can see here that the diction(selection of words) not really work well through your poem.I hope you can take a time to edit back this wonderful poem here,so that you can convey the real meaning here.Keep writing and keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Hey, sorry. You commented on this a long time ago and I didn't reply. It is symbolism for a boy. It's a complete metaphor. Thank you
Your rhythm is off in these lines "You love him/ He doesn't love you".
I think if you put punctuation in this poem, it might help the reading flow. Example:
"Wind in the willow
Coming from the East
Within the forest
Lies the beast"
Compare that to:
"Wind in the willow,
Coming from the East.
Within the forest,
Lies the beast."
The commas are unnecessary, but the periods would definitely help.
Hope that helps!
Okay so I added punctuation, did it help? And I revised "The head part 2" A little bit
yes, better. I haven't checked the head part 2 yet
Here to review for the Knight of the Green Room
This poem obviously has two different sides, but it was very well written and rhymed almost perfectly except for the line:
He stalks his prey
Day and night
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Hide and night don't rhyme at all. But your beginning was really cool, as well as your ending. You used some really cool descriptive words that really gave me a picture of where the setting is.
Thanks. Sorry about the formatting. I couldn't figure out how to do poetry formatting, the poetry setting wasn't working :/