Young Writers Society

Tallywa,

Upon reading this again; I was struck by how similar it is to a poem that I wrote: Night of the People--People of the Sun You certainly say what I said more elegantly.

As for critiques I have to say that the line breaks in this poem feel and look strained. Compare this line "Listen to it whistle through the branches of your life" to this "but be free". You have 13 syllables in one and 3 in the other. And despite 13 syllables you're not saying something that needs that much wordage. "Whistling through lives branches" conveys the same message with half the syllables. I can understand if you're trying to go for contrast, but poetry is about balance and I'm not sure what having three or four massive lines is doing for you.

I also would recommend that you change the stanza that has three lines to four. Unless you are purposely doing this to convey a broken pattern - if that is the case, you could maybe change up the formatting there more dramatically as well.

Some of the best praise I can give you for this poem; is that it reminded me of some of Shakespeare's sonnets about time and living on. I realize that you said this poem was sort of about maternal love; but I could also seeing it be about an author and her writing. The story/verse lives on.

Your punctuation and capitalization choices are delicate and work well with the mood of the piece. I saw no grammatical errors.

If you compile all of your "first lines" for your stanzas I love the contrasted words "strong/fragile", "rush in/constant", "bold/softly", but what goes with "free"?

This was a beautiful portrayal of death, life, time, and love. Thank you for posting; write on, and on, and when it seems you have written your last word, start anon.

~alliyah

You've impressed me.

Hey there,
Well, I really am in need of better vocabulary to describe this incredible piece of literature of yours. I mean this is amazing and sweet and adorable but still sorrowful at the same time*Is there a word to describe all this at the same time?* anyway this poem is really ... Well I'm not gonna start again. The fact is that I just loved it.
Going by a mother's point of view *as you suggested* it seems really sweet to me.
I love the way it flows.

"for the world is fragile,
it is cracked, it is broken.
It needs someone who is caring"
This is my favourite paragraph from your poem. its not like it is the happiest thing I've ever read but its just the simple truth and the way you summoned it in just 3 lines, it's really remarkable.

"but be strong
and manage to whisper"
This is another one of my favourites from your poem.

Never quit writing
Fangirl~

Renn here!

Wow. Simply... Impressive. You can totally feel the presence of a maternal guide, of something that could have almost been written as a letter to be read after she has passed. The connection to the world, the child, and the painful awareness mothers must have that they will eventually not be around to help them, but also that they managed without their mothers, so to must their own children. The moment about "eroding the grasp of your hand in mine" is poignant and a little bit of a tear-jerker. Good job.

However, my favorite moment has to be...

"for the world is fragile,
it is cracked, it is broken.
It needs someone who is caring"

Because that is something SO very mch what a mother would believe or try to teach- that their child can change the world, and that strength and tenderness can be one in the same.

Again, good job. I'm impressed. Keep writing.

- Renn

It pulls peopel in just by reading the first sentence. You could add more describing words or read through the it to see what you can do but I think it is really not good.

It is engaging, right from the first line.