That Awkward Moment When I Wanted Everything and Nothing All at Once

This poem is so beautiful tgirly! I really struggle to write these types of poems that are just moments rather than long narrative stories, or fables, or you know clunky. Sometimes you can say just as much (if not more) in a scene of experience and feeling than in a progression of events. In some ways, this is the beauty of poetry. Lyrical language that changes a moment - where you don't need all the words in between because you know them in a different way. In this poem you really succeeded in taking a moment, describing it, and moving it to make a poem.

My critiques are few or minor, but I guess I'll just intermingle it with the praise in my review:

The punctuation is a bit clunky - not in a down right distracting way, but in a non-consistent way. This isn't fatal, but it's annoying in a poem where the words are so "on point" I hate to see misplaced commas.

The one really evil piece of punctuation in this piece is the hyphen in the first line. I feel strongly about this. It is distracting, and I don't get what you're saying with it. A hyphen is a big and noticeable piece of punctuation (you can't just tack it on the end of a line like a comma or period; it's more like a colon or an exclamation mark ie. use with caution!). If you do decide to use the dash - I prefer the form with a space between the word and dash in this context; but make your decisions as you will.

Some of you lines are a bit unecessarally wordy. For instance in the 2nd line you say "I wanted him to blind to the sight of me" the next line reitterates that you don't want him to see you, so why is it necessary to basically say that twice?

I think the line about staring is a little too awkward - personal content preference there. But the rest is so sweet you could even add what you're staring at to make it more personal (like the flowing hair, shoulders, dimpled smile, or shining eyes etc). But just staring doesn't give me the right feeling. It's more like "stalker vibe" rather than "hey I think you're cute".

Some other content suggestions or things to consider. Do you want this to be quite so shallow? Almost every descriptor is about the physical appearance, this is completely okay, but would the piece sound nicer, more authentic, more real if there was something about their personality rather than all about how they look? On the other hand maybe you're trying to describe sort of a fleeting feeling that is largely based on outward physical appearances than real "love" (<-- whatever that is...)

The stanza break isn't my favorite. I just am asking myself... why? Is there a good reason to break it up there? It helps give the eyes a rest to break it up, but doesn't do a lot for meaning. Maybe consider breaking into 3 or 4 stanzas to avoid this wierd clunky split, or just leave whole?

Two parts about this poem that are really done exceptionally well.
The repetition of "I wanted him to stay" - this is just so great! It's vague enough that the reader can make up their own ideas about if this lover left, and why and how etc. But it is clear and precise enough that I immediately know what you're saying and can wrap the whole poem into this bittersweet feeling. I like that you contrast this past-tense with a poem that's very present in the moment and not really colored with regret or sadness. It's hard to read a whole poem that's just "I miss him, I miss him, I miss him." so this gets that message across but it's more like "I miss him, *a ton of beautiful things about him and why a person would love him*, I miss him". But it does give a bit of a disconect when you get to the end. May want to add a line of bitterness or insight into how they aren't together now inside the actual poem. Just an idea.

The other part that is just lovely is this
"Wanted to believe that love
in some small sense of the word was real
and was now and was eternal
in some small way."

I just love that! This idea of a "small love" and a "small meaning.. of the sense of love" really great stuff there. I like the short little lines here a lot - you don't need to add anything in between this is soul (no need to decorate it up).

That being said, I don't really agree with "NicolMemo"'s review at all - but I think you could add some more concrete narrative in the rest of your poem. For example I could put anything in the blanks of this poem and get nothing - it's just kind of generic (and not in the meaning sense, but in the 'what is the plot, what is happening' sense). A way to fix this is giving some more concrete unique details - there are none now. Is there a color or a textural detail you could give. Is there some story that you could weave into the thoughts? Like coffee, or movies, or nature, or school? Just .. something. I think this would bring your poem to the next level - although I have to say I think it is already at a very high level.

Great job! I love this poem.

~alliyah

(Warning: 'You' here is mostly 'I' in your poem, so no hard feeling, 'kay?)

Hi,
I know, I know. These feelings are recurring to me almost every minutes. These jumbled thoughts are coated with sincere and sweet love. I'd always do things like this, but I am not the one that love to put it bluntly like you do. Why? I'm shy, of course. To put it in poem bluntly like this makes me feel irritated. It feels like someone that want to express their thought and use poetry as medium to mock themselves. But nothing bad of course, poetry is free as you know it.

All are expressed without hardly any description. I can't help you with it. I'm not the one that experienced it. I'm bored with this kind of poem, really, because the authors don't really put something in their poems to make it unique. Very childish and sweet. You put more emotions than describing the emotions. It's like the 'show, don't tell' rule. Bah, I feel bad now. You should at least show us the situations rather than tell us the situations. Now, I feel like I want to care more about the leaves swirling around you in the air, rather than you swirling around in the air with some unknown love. (Of course, I don't mean you as you.)

Like the previous reviewer said, you contradicting yourself, always. You said you are afraid, but you want to. It is like these things rotating in your poem not stop without any climax. I feel from the start till the end, it doesn't make up to anything. At first, you want him, but you cannot. At last, you still want him, but you cannot. I know poetry is not generally a story, but still, I prefer some climax, some roller-coaster to ride. I don't think I help much because the core's problem is not with the poem.

Keep writing.

~Memo

This was a very nice poem and I really liked the contradiction in your wording. The only real problems I have with your poem is your structure, tenses, and (a more opinionated one) punctuation.
The tense one is a problem I want to address first because tenses are very important in literature.
The line "Wanted to leave them floating,", When you read it aloud it sounds a bit forced and a way to make that flow easier is to use the same tense. So instead of using wanted, the use of wanting would make the line flow much better.

Okay, now let's move on to your structure.
Some of your lines connect with each other and then continue in the next line, for example
"Wanted to leave them floating, invisible
just a bit longer."
I think you should maybe bring the word invisible down.
Same with
"was for him to stay there, smiling shyly,"
I think you should bring down smiling shyly.

With the punctuation, I see you used commas in some places and not in others.
One place you didn't use commas in that would greatly further your poem is
"was for him to stay there, smiling shyly,
looking at me
looking at him."
Maybe you could put a comma after 'looking at me'? It would match the rest of the poem.

I hope this review helped! I hope to read more from you

I was like that once, shy to talk or say what I wanted. It truly did suck and some guys just thought I was being stuck up or whatever, but I was not. I wanted to do things but I could not do it because of that stupid barrier that stood between me and him. It was hard and easy at the same time.

Review: I love the poem and I saw nothing wrong with it. I had to read it a few more times to actually get what was being said. But, I understood it more than I thought I would. I saw no mistakes, or maybe that's just me.

Really loved the poem. Sorry for the lame review.