--I'll give you my heart with strings attached.
Those are my veins.
Don't break them.
A guy like you is impossible to find,
thought I had once. He dropped my heart in an ocean.
Took forever to find all the pieces.
It's still cracked. It's still bruised.
But if you've noticed, you don't show it.
--When I'm with you, I forget all worries.
Your eyes are a timepiece that points to the future.
Your voice is a question I want to answer
with, "Yes. Please, yes."
--If I'm a bit clingy, will you please forgive it?
See, you've got my heart in your coat pocket.
I'm kind of attached to that.
--When I first saw you smile, you seemed to be saying,
"Yeah, we're meant for each other.
I already know it."
I stared too long, but you pretended
not to care.
--I'll admit I'm silly.
Still believe in fairies and love unending.
Want you to hold my hand. Just too shy to ask.
If I give you my heart, will you promise not to lose it?
--When I saw you with her, I got a little jealous.
Your laugh seemed to say,
"Yeah, It's already over."
--I tried to pretend that she’s just your sister,
but that'd didn't work.
'Cause then you kissed her.
Oh.
Oh no.
--I'm not bitter, I'm not mad,
just a lot of bits sad.
For one last time, you hold my hand.
The squeeze of your fingers whisper a quick, 'sorry.'
Can't say, 'It's okay,' 'cause I'm already gone.
Got a heart to find, now crushed
to dust.
I’ve got to end this before I start to cry.
Never mind; it's too late for that.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hiya tgirly!
I think lyrics are my favourite thing to review, but when it comes to lyrics about love (which tend to be the majority) I tend to be a bit more cynical because I usually see the same ideas. However here, even though there were a couple of these instances, I think generally these were some pretty good lyrics. I'll start off my review with what I liked, then I'll talk about my critiques and then it will end with my overall opinion of the piece. What I liked about this was how it sort of told a story, and also how midway through the song the mood/tone and story line completely changed. it's pretty hard to tell a story in lyrics/poems so well done!
My first critique is about the flow of this. Because these are lyrics and not a poem, you have to be thinking about what kind of melody you want to add to this. I'm not saying that you HAVE to rhyme in lyrics, although that does help to create a more distinctive flow. That's something to think about next time you write, but for now with this song, I mean it's quite hard to tell because I'm not sure if you have a melody, but I think that something that would help is having similar lengthed-lines.
Secondly, I didn't really see a structure here, as in verses, choruses etc. It's really cool if you wanna go for a different sort of structure to usual songs and have multiple sections, but here it all seems a bit messy. Try and outline your verses and choruses a bit clearer, and with the chorus/repetitive bit, well, there isn't one. Again, it's not completely necessary to have a repeated bit in a song, but I think it's good to use because it gives it more of a structure.
I've been talking a lot about the technical aspects of this song and not really the content, so I'll mention more about that now.
'Heart dropped in the ocean' is a great bit of imagery however if it was dropped in the ocean, it wouldn't exactly shatter and more sink to the bottom. So instead of saying it took forever to pick the pieces up, you could say it took forever the dive down and save it or something like that because right now it doesn't quite make sense.
Something that I didn't really see too much of here was the emotion coming through. I mean the topic of this is something I'd expect more raw emotion from, but I'm not really feeling it. Firstly when you're writing don't be afraid to really let go and talk about emotions. For example, instead of just saying 'I'm sad', really talk about how it feels, why you feel sad, why you want to feel happy etc.
Overall, these were some good lyrics that told a sad, but well-told story. Remember next time to outline your structure a bit clearly because right now it's a bit messy. If you plan on adding a melody to this you might wanna try brushing up on the flow of it just a tad, and in terms of the actual lyrics I'd like to see some more emotions explained please! I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey
Super helpful review; thanks!
I don't feel like writing a review, I'm all out of my perky energy to, so I'll just comment on how I can totally 'get' what this is like, if I've ever come close to having a Bo; I can imagine.
Thanks for almost making me cry.
You're welcome. That's my goal in life; making people cry. JK.
You're welcome. That's my goal in life; making people cry. JK.
I really like this! It's got great rhythm and the words have kind of an upward beat that make them really easy to relate too. I'm sure there are many teenagers that have felt like this! I love the way the girl keeps on talking about finding her heart or where her heart is, like "in your coat pocket." It's great how you manage to characterize both the boy and the girl so effectively in this poem. This is really well done! Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it! : )