Tgirly,
Philosophical poems focused on ideas are really difficult to write well. They tend to be lofty, too caught-up in its own ideas to really say anything. What I like about this poem is that there's something more grounded buried in here. A conversation between two people, the speaker who has a vision of hope with the prospect of their life as the cave, and one who has a vision of disillusionment. I generally like how the poem presents these two perspectives and entitles it as "Fields of Vision" meaning there are many, many perspectives out there, and that is pleasing.
However, I'll be honest too to say that most of what we get in the poem is all conversation and not the full reference to the conversation. Like we're a listener listening in to a phone conversation. Alliyah mentioned plato's cave so I ran with it. But the poem makes no such allusion. Rather, originally and in my first reading of it, most of what I got were contrasting elements of light and dark, ash and sun, shadows, shades, etc. By itself, these words do not allude to the cave, so it's a leap on the part of the reader to get there by any means.
This poem is ambitious. Which is not a bad thing. Go big, or go home, right? And it fascinates itself with ideas, which again, is not a bad thing. But is it accessible? Is it interesting on its own? Is it clear? These are the weaknesses.
Suggestions on improvement:
Clarity - Make your allusions boldly. Don't hint at them, don't hide them, don't try to make it a mystery. Give it to us straight: This is a poem about Plato's allegory, or if it's not a poem about the cave, then tell us what it's about. You can do this boldly by re-titling it with the allusion in mind, or you can make an allusion with the first line, or give us a quote to the allegory. Then everybody can be on the same page.
Interesting - Let's face it. Light and dark motifs are...boring. They are commonly used, and they are more like tones or techniques than actual subject matters. You want to use light and dark elements to highlight and shade your subject, you don't want to over-season these motifs so that they become your subject. What interested me about the poem were the people of the poem and the debate that rages on between them. The poem becomes about the debate between them said in a matter of light and dark motifs, but wouldn't it be more interesting to see in imagery and not tones, these people and their visions? If the speaker sees light in the embers of ashes, show us that world in grounded-terms. It can be as simple as the light in something so terrible as a car accident, or a family member's death. And if the "you" in the poem sees clearly but somberly the darkness, show us this in grounded-terms. The injustice of the accident may plague on "you's" mind, perhaps they only see in terms of numbers and statistics, you can invent anything, but grounding us is key to our enjoyment of the piece.
I think in doing these two improvements in combination, you will automatically also resolve the poem's accessibility.
Let me know if this helps, I'd be happy to chat more.
~ as always, Audy
It's a bit confusing, but will blow your mind if you check it out.
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