To Live in This Moment

I absolutely loved this poem!!! The imagery and the metaphors are very, very well done. I feel my favorite part was this:
"They say pictures are worth a thousand words,
and the pen is mightier than the sword,
so I'll sketch this minute and make it my shield of gold.
It shall make me bold, even when my courage folds."
I can certainly relate to this, and I'll be sure to show it to some of my friends, too. They'll love it. Snaps to you!

I wonder if she could have not put too many commas in the sentences. I like that there was a lot of describing. I what I like it is the saying that says "nothing lasts forever; nothing gold can stay" you are right nothing stays gold it sort of sound like the empires rise and the empires fall, it sound like that. I like it is what you said about it.

THis is supost to be the right one

I am not sure quite what I think of this poem. I want to make some sort of big comment on 'what it meant' but I'm not sure I know.

It's titled "to live in this moment" but you're holding onto a memory and stories and you keep referencing the past. There's some poetic beauty in that contradiction, but I wonder if this would be more appropriately titled "To live in that moment" or "live in the moment" because you're referencing a moment apart from what is currently happening, if that makes sense.

In the first stanza, I'm interpretting as a more mature allusion to the "velveteen rabbit" nursery rhyme. Because you are referencing time in the past, toy rabbits, nursery rhymes, etc. The fourth line is a bit long; and changing it to "Let it remind me once upon a time, I felt alright" would fix that.

You also make continual references to other literature in this piece, with the first 3 lines in the 2nd stanza and the 1st line in the 3rd stanza (nothing gold can stay - Robert Frost).
So I wonder if this poem is meant to be a tribute to literature, or to a story, or to poetry in general (how it can hold a moment and keep it).

I think the 4th line of first and 5th line of 3rd stanza are distracting from this type of theme, the relationship subtext is almost distracting rather than orienting to the larger theme that I see.

However, I may have completely misinterpreted this poem too - in which case please enlighten me and ignore most of the comments.

As for word choice, this poem feels a little plagiarized not in the sense of actual plagiarism but that it doesn't quite change everything enough to be original (splicing together popular sayings does not make a poem although it makes an interesting read). Good themes, good vocab overall - but amp it up a bit, make it something special.

Hope that this all helped,
"Stay Golden Pony Boy"

~alliyah

Heya!
Augustus here.
Well, first off I really liked the idea. As it was supposed to be a lyrical poem, I read it out loud.
I felt like there's some inconsistency with the flow. Maybe, keeping the length of lines equal could help in attaining the flow/balance.
I really liked the way you have presented the idea and it kind of made the whole poem interesting for me. Good job there.
And although, I don't mind punctuation and all in poetry but here my friend you should try to avoid unnecessary commas and semicolons. They are kind of interfering with normal rhythm of the poem. Also, at some other places they could reciprocate the sense you want to convey through respected line.
All in all, impressive piece of work. I would love to read more of your stuff. Keep writing
Good luck.
~Augustus

I wonder if she could have not put too many commas in the sentences. I like that there was a lot of describing. I what I like it is the saying that says "nothing lasts forever; nothing gold can stay" you are right nothing stays gold it sort of sound like the empires rise and the empires fall, it sound like that. I like it is what you said about it.

I love this soooo much! It's all about the little moments and your poem clearly shows me this. My favorite part is the second stanza when you say "I'll sketch this minute and make it my shield of gold" Your writing is really good and I can't wait to reads more!

Bonjour, tgirly! I have come to review this short poem of yours!

Okay, so let's jump right in, shall we? When I saw this was marked as a lyrical poem, my mind automatically switched into "check-the-rhythm-and-fluidity-of-the-poem"-mode. Usually, when individuals classify their poetry as lyrical, I tend to become highly critical on that specific point (I mean, the poem should correspond to the genre it is placed in...)

Anyway, I found this poem slightly lacking in consistent flow and rhythm. This mostly because of the use of such "strong" punctuation, i.e semi-colons, full-stops, and to a lesser degree commas. Punctuation does have a purpose in poetry, yes, but mostly to place emphasis on contradictions or a change of atmosphere, or to induce after-thought about the words before the punctuation via a break in rhythm.
In some places, commas are required to make grammatical sense, and that is why they are not the issue. To me it is all the full-stops at the ends of verses. They break the tempo to me, which I find distracting. The line lengths are also inconsistent, which would work well if this were full-on free verse, but coherency should be considered between the lengths of the lines between the different verses. By this I mean that all the second lines should be similar length, etc, to keep the flow of the poem.
Also, lyrical poetry usually has several instances of alliteration and/or assonance to create that lyrical element, which I also find to be lacking. That doesn't mean it should be overdone, but some subtle alliteration here and there will give this poem that extra something to make it unique.


Okay, on to vocab.
I get the feeling that you attempted to make the ends rhyme, but some of the words don't match their particular verse (for example, none of the words in verse 2 rhyme, despite having rhyming roots... This is because you placed "words" in plural, and "folds" in 3rd person singular...)
The rhyming also seems a bit forced at times, which is never advisable to be doing in my opinion.
Other than that, I can see you have a decent vocabulary, which I commend you for.

On to content...

so I'll sketch this minute and make it my shield of gold.
It shall make me bold, even when my courage folds.

and my mind follows suit,

We'll remind each other of the times when we felt alright