So you’ve done it now- have you?
Out-stayed your skin’s welcome,
popped a button or two on your cocoon.
Now you’re out, but
trembling too much to fly.
---
You’ve tripped over the Rubicon,
would’ve turned back but for the pillars of salt
that blocked your path,
well I’ve got news for you now:
---
You lotus-licker.
You knight trapped in armor shining.
You tortoise shell, you risk-adverse
coward,
---
there’s no safe path,
no kiosk around the bend.
Forge forward if you dare, or
sit and weep- but beware,
the sedentary are temporary.
---
You’ve got the soul of the sun
Cookie-cuttered into constellations,
but an ocean can’t flow back up the brook.
Better get used to it now.
---
So you rub two stick together-
you think that will help!
But the sparks hurt your eyes
your cries fall on callous ears.
I could help- I’m right here, watching,
I’m telling you:
---
You lotus-licker.
You knight trapped in out-dated armor.
You tortoise shell, you cowardly
wanderer,
---
don’t beware my breath
though it stinks and offends.
These scales are a shell of my own.
(I relate, not condone.)
I’ve got a pair of wings and a crippling
Fear of heights.
---
I’m a lotus-licker.
I’m Rapunzel content in her tower,
an overgrown lizard too scared to
cower.
---
You’ve got a torch- I can light it.
I can’t find a map, but it’s pointless in the sky.
I just need a companion who’s tired
---
of being a lotus-licker,
a knight trapped in rusted armor,
a tortoise in a shell too small
for a head filled with dreams wild enough
to give me a chance.
Here be dragons.
Here I am.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,793 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello, tgirly! It's nice to meet you!
You may have meant it this way, but this line is rather contradictory. Unless the dragon is being sarcastic? Anyway, I found it rather confusing.I really enjoyed this piece. I wasn't expecting such quality from it, judging by the title, but it's really a well thought out piece. I love that you're writing from the dragon's perspective.
That being said, there are a few things I found that could be improved upon.
I didn't understand on the first read-through that it was from the dragon's perspective. Maybe drop more hints near the beginning of the poem, in order to combat confusion?
I suggest that you single space the piece. In order to do that on the program available in YWS, you have to hold shift when you press enter. Most poems are single spaced, as otherwise, they require a whole lot more scrolling. ^_^
Though it's your choice, I suggest breaking this up into at least a few stanzas. Because it's double spaced right now, the issue isn't that bad, but if you single space it, it's going to be quite an intimidating chunk of text.
I like your repetition, as you use it properly, and change parts of the line. I'm not quite sure what a "lotus-licker" is, though. Is it referring to the lotus eaters? In any case, lotus-licker sounds great.
Altogether, make sure your ideas are being transmitted to the reader. I really enjoyed reading this. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Thanks so much for your review.
Your assumption is correct; 'lotus-licker' is referring to the lotus eaters of Greek mythology. I was worried the reference would be missed, I'm glad you caught it.
The line about the overgrown lizard too scared to cower: yes; it is pretty confusing. I guess the idea I was trying to portray with that line is that she fears looking weak and is terrified of losing her tough image (the scales). Either that, or she's paralyzed with fear (when I say she I'm referring to the narrator; I see her as a she, but it's up for interpretation, as is the line itself.)
I meant for the --- to represent stanza breaks; I was having trouble with the formatting, I'll go back and make that more apparent and I'll look to see what I can do to make it less confusing.
Thank you so much for your feedback!
Ah! If you're having issues with formatting, the key to this program on YWS is to hold shift when you hit enter to make it single spaced. Then, when you want a stanza break, you can simply hit enter without holding shift. ^_^
Hi. dogsrule5 here.
Listen I am not trying to be harsh, but I found a few mistakes in your poem.
Here are the mistakes I noticed.
One: You need stanza's which separate your paragraphs.
Two: You need four lines to a stanza.
Three: I could be wrong on this one, but I think I saw a few camas that need to be added to your poem. The commas need to go... Before the ands. I asked my language art teacher if you need to put commas before ands, she said you didn't have to cause it is your option, but she did say that you should.
I don't think their are anymore mistakes in this poem, so good work. I think you did a good job with this, but I would think about fixing these errors first.
I hope I helped.
Love,
dogsrule5
Hi! Thanks for reviewing my poem. It was nice to get your feedback, but I can't seem to find which and you're talking about. If you were referring to the and in the line "though it stinks and offends" or "I've got a pair of wings and a crippling fear of heights," and in both those cases it would be wrong of me to use a comma since only two items are listed in a series as oppose to three in which case you would be right in saying that the use of the oxford comma would be optional yet preferable. More info on the comma: http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive ... abfand.htm. Am I missing an and?
Once again, thank you so much for reviewing my poem. I really appreciate it.
No problem. No your not missing a comma. That will be a great idea to check out that website, but not right now I need to finish some things to get points to publish my next book. Well I will talk to you later
Tgirly old buddy! It's Dante or whatever you remember me by!
First off this is a really interesting piece but in full honesty I feel it's a little confusing in my opinion. Because it doesn't become evident until almost the end of who the speaker is in this poem. Next I'm completely passing over anything grammar related because someone else is bound to do it, so instead I'm going to say you could have separated the verses better by putting a space in between them.
What I liked about this was the details you put in that gave away who the speaker is in this piece. I personally like it because not many people think to write from a Dragon's POV. Next I really get the feeling time is flowing in this piece because you start out with:
"You knight trapped in armor shining."
then you move to:
"You knight trapped in out-dated armor."
then finally:
"a knight trapped in rusted armor,"
This is what really gave me the feeling time was flowing in this piece. It might not be the same person in these three but I get the sense that they are. Anyways, that's it for my Review.
This has been Avalon see you later!
Thanks for reviewing, ol' bud. I like the name change, not that I didn't like Dante but Avalon is sweet. I really enjoyed hearing what you thought of the poem.