Someone Else's Secret

This is one of my favorite poems of yours as of recently. I don't have a review for it, but would say that it could use a re-looking at as far as line breaks and punctuation. Word choice & imagery are on point though. And the mystical, narrative way you weave together these images makes me want it expanded into a novel. Really beautiful work here. (And praise for not being cliche!)


~alliyah

Hi I like the poem its quiet interesting to read... I'm not sure if this is 'proper' but I noticed that you used only two stanzas and the second one is too long. I think you could have divided the second stanza into three stanzas instead of one. For example:

'All that is certain, is that the camel's back
is broken now. And I am lost
to goodbyes, or at least tears
with a meaning that is the same,
to hot sand on cold feet.'

'I wonder if she knows how cold it is here.
Of course she does. She invented here,
as much as it invented her and I
am simply a stranger passing through.
I do not belong here- was not
made from the trees that line the ghost-worn paths, was not
cut from stones centuries old and still
nursing cuts from bygones ago.'

'I am the dust, and the wind is the closest
I know to a home. But if
you were the one who told her that,

I'll never forgive you.'

Also the use of punctuation hinders with the flow of the poem, here and there, an example:
'I wonder if she knows how cold it is here.
Of course she does.'
It could have been a comma between the two sentences or a hyphen instead. But overall your work is really nice.

Wow! This is an amazing poem. I loved the imagery you used! The first stanza is absolutely beauiful!!!
'She invented here,
as much as it invented her'
This is my favorite line in the entire poem, it seems to me that we're made up of our thoughts and feelings. It's a world we made, yet the world is what has made us. I'm sorry if I'm not making sense xD.
Great job! I loved this

This is really good!! I loved the story behind this poem and it is very sound in its foundation. Great job!

I'm not really sure what I can give you for a review, so I guess this is going to be a comment! Keep writing!

Sarah12

Magnificent penning ! This is what I can give you as a review . You know what.. sometimes we can't judge our ownself. This is with me too either way. Hehe . I think I write quite ummm readable but ehen I read other poet's work . I realised the truth that I am not even in a starter list. Few lines you've written quite mesmerized me..
" And I am lost to goodbyes, or at least tears with the meaning that is the same, to hot sand on cold feet."
Amazingly penned . Keep up the good writing. Blessings !

Wow! This poem is so original and beautiful. Its one of those poems I can imagine analyzing in an English class. It is very technically sound. There are so many lines that got me thinking. My favorite is:

'Maybe it was simply her eyes. They had a way
of knowing things long before anyone else could speak.'

Well done! Keep writing and I hope to read more from you!

Hey there!
This was really -really- good! I loved everything about it and personally there wasn't a single thing that I would like to replace or eliminate. It is perfect the way it is.
At some places it felt so beautiful that I could not help but re-read. You did a great job here.
The word choices were also good. I loved the part were you used river and flowers.

So yeah keep up the good work.
Fangirl~

(Warning: This is my first review so might not be super helpful!)

Wow. I really like the first line. It drew me in almost instantly and is what made me want to read the poem. It has a ring to it that I totally dig.

I do feel like there could be a tiny bit more feeling here. I don't know about y'all but I want poetry to hit me in the chest... I need to feel it in my soul. The imagry is powerful enough that I almost feel it, but it needs a few tweaks. Also, I did have some difficulty reading this. It was a little unnecessarily wordy in some spots and the flow feels off. It read weird in my head and out loud. Maybe it's just me, but when I write poems I want your eyes to flow line to line without much effort... The way you put punctuation in the middle of a line and broke off some lines in certain spots made it feel chopped up to me.

For example:

"Maybe it was simply her eyes. They had a way
of knowing things long before anyone else could speak."

I would have gone more along the lines of:

"Maybe it was her eyes -
They had a way of knowing things
Long before anyone could speak."

I feel like that flows better. On the other hand, the "chopped up" feeling I was getting does kind of work with the mood of the poem... I guess it's all down to preferences.

Overall it's good work... Just needs a bit of polishing. That first line is beautiful... By all means, go back and tweak the rest of this if you wish, but please keep that opening line as is!