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137,426 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
PeanutPhoebe, here to review!! Great job on this short poem. I really like short poems if they're written well. You did well with your choice of words. This is a little bit choppy, tho... Some of the transitions just need to flow better. This is pretty good, but could use some improvement. You're doing a great job on all of your poems, though. Keep up the good work!!
PeanutPhoebe
Hello there, tgirly. I vaguely remember seeing you around and/or possibly having reviewed some of your stuff before. Anyways, in the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3
Now I happen to like short poems, and this was a very nice and short poem. However, there are quite a few things about this poem that could use improving. First and most noticeably of all would be the punctuation.
If we were to rewrite these first three lines out as regular prose, then the punctuation really wouldn't make much sense because we'd have an exclamation mark in the middle of a sentence, as well as a missing comma.
A good way to check that your poetry is punctuated properly is to write it out like regular writing. If everything is good punctuation-wise, all is well, otherwise, it's a good idea to fix your punctuation then and there before returning the poem to its poetry form.
With that said, you might want to consider cutting out some lines/phrases, in favor of adding more descriptive/vivid ones back in. For example:
Because you mention the stars being dead later on, it would make more sense to talk about the stars being dead right around here, to introduce the idea and give it a bit more meaning.
Something like this would work:
Instead of three lines, you can get the idea across in two (or less if you really wanted to challenge yourself), and having things more condensed would help make them more powerful because BAM! they're there in your face instead of being hidden by fluffy words.
Overall though, you've got all the most important bits right, and I think, if you were to tweak this piece so it was more precise, it would really make this poem shine.
You need more detail to try to pull in the reader to this poem a bit more... Its good just try to use more details