She hunted for the light,
drinking rain as some drink
wine,
hoping to catch a sun drop
that evaded her tired eyes.
But she couldn't find any.
So she tried to build a
mountain
and peer from its cold
peaks,
but rains and winds labored
against her,
weathering
away her work.
By dusk, she was left with a
pile of dust.
So she burned the residue
of her dreams- all she had
left,
letting the smoke block
others' skies.
The flames sparkled for her,
but burnt her hands and hurt
her heart.
Another searcher saw the smoke
signals of distress,
and came rushing over, to put
out the fire and gather the ash.
Standing on each others'
shoulders, they climbed
until they could see beyond
the broken clouds
and bask in the light of dawn and day.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
Let's get right to it...
So... what did I like about this stanza? Everything! I think it's got some great imagery, I can imagine the girl searching desperately for hope. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but it works all the same.
This is amazing. It's the girl trying to 'build a bridge' and get away from her troubles, right? But things keep knocking her down.
The thing that troubles me here is the 'and' just before 'hurt her heart'. It breaks the flow of the poem for me.
Yay! She got some help! Again, great imagery.
Sorry I can't be of much help. Except for that one nitpick there is nothing wrong here. Great job!
Thanks for the review! I love hearing your interpretation of the poem.
Its review time. ~~~ The only confusion I have is the second line: "drinking rain as some drink wine", the way the sentence is written gives a postive connotation to the water while the rest of the poem seem to detest the rain. I think a strong point in the poem is the second stanza and the imergy of the storm being strong enough to tear down a mountain. And like Segreto, I agree that the poem has a bit of a fairytale feel to it. Alliteration of "dawn and day" is good. However, those can be seen as two different timelines being put in the same moment. And always as I usually do I suggest bigger vocabulary, no such thing as too much exotic vocabulary.
Thanks for the review!
As far as 'drinking rain as some drink wine' putting a positive connotation on the water, I was going more for like she was sifting through the troubles for anything she could glean hope from; trying to find a bit of good in the bad if that makes sense.
Thanks so much for the helpful review!!
Hi! Segreto here to review!
Firstly, I was hooked instantly by the tittle, and the first few lines are excellent, yet I think that it becomes more and more confusing as it goes on, though the idea and the theme are really interesting, and it gives me a fairytale-like feeling.
In the second stanza:
firstly, there is a typo, "pear" (a fruit) should be "peer". Secondly, I believe that "to peer" instead of "and peer" would be more correct.
The fact that the the rains and the winds labor with and against her is confusing, and I think that simply saying that they labored against her would make it less ambiguous.
Fourth stanza:
To continue the flow I think you could add "and" at the beginning of the sentence.
The ending, I think, is very confusing. As said before, the girl burned down what little was left of her dreams. Another came and helped extinguish the fire. But then what? They find the sun together, but how? What journeys to they make? Was he also a seeker? Or did he decide to help her out out of compassion?
All in all, it was a good story, yet I think it needs more expansion and more clarity.
Good work! Keep writing
Thanks so much for pointing out the parts that need improvement; I really appreciate that! This review was so helpful.
Glad I could help