Author's note:
This poem is so not formatting right. :( Just pretend that each second line is indented a bit and I will try to figure out how to fix it.. Sorry for the inconvenience.
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Yes. I know your heart is lost
hopelessly, hopelessly.
Of course, it's tough to be you,
you tell me again and again.
Eyes. They're the windows to the soul you know
and yours show a barren room, an empty cage.
I understand. I understand it will never be
the same. It has ended again.
I agree you are a lost cause
but why should that stop me from caring?
I hear you. I understand
in my mind, but not my soul.
Yes. I know your heart is lost,
and mine with it.
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Canary word: Present
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
I have a friend struggling with something similar to what's describe in this poem, and let me say, you've describe it perfectly. The mechanics of your poem are good all around, nothing particular to bite on. The only thing is if you're going to have commas after a few of the first lines, it'll be easier to read if you keep commas on every first line. I like your note about the second lines being indented but I don't know your purpose in that. I know it must have something to do with the concept described but I can't see the connection. *shrug* Maybe I'm just slow.
Happy Review Day!
Wow, I loved this! This will be a super short review because I only really have praise!
Content
Spoiler
Conclusion
Overall, your poem was really gripping and intense and soft and beautiful and I loved it. And I have nothing further to say except to give you your star rating, which is eight out of ten. Great job, really fantastic, seriously!
Thanks for the review; I'm glad you liked it! The indent thing is because I feel the first line could be interpreted as what he's saying and the second line more of what he's thinking. Again, thanks so much for the review!!
Uni here for a review!
Just letting you know, I am not a poet, so I will try to avoid getting into the technical stuff. So I will talk about grammar and titles (Yes, I know that sounds weird...).
Okay, so the title is called "Of Love Defiant", and I couldn't help but notice that you didn't say those words even once in the whole poem. I think it would make a bit more sense if you fit that in like one or more times.
And overall it took me a bit of time to read through the poem. It was sort of awkward. Plus, I couldn't really understand that this is about love until I read the description. You ought to put the word "love" in there at least once.
Anywho, I though there was beautiful description in here, which is amazing! I find that most poets have a hard time adding description into their work. In this piece, I observed that you don't have any trouble with that at all...
~Uni
Thank you so much for the review! It was really nice hearing the opinion from your perspective.
This was so short and I didn't want it to end. I'm so heart eyes right now. This speaks to me on too many levels and I love it. Despite its length, it truly tells a story. Ily.
I actually really, really enjoy acrostic poems in general, I'm sort of an acrostic aficcionado. Sort of. I think it's an underutilized poetic framework, so I applaud you for writing an acrostic into the first place. Now on to the meat and potatoes of this review.
You do a really good job of not making it seem like your forcing the words into acrostic format. The only line that feels even slightly forced into it is the 'A-pitter a-patter a-slam'. You also have some beautiful imagery in this piece ie. dancing in the cold tears is my favorite line.
There were a few things that seemed off to me about the poem too; a few things that made it seem disjointed. First off, in the I line, you use pronoun 'you' but in the last few lines you switch to first person point of view. Maybe you meant to do that but it just feels weird to me. Also, the whole poem is a description of the storm and then in the last two lines it slips into narrative, which makes it feel like it should be in a different stanza or a completely different poem altogether.
Once again, solid acrostic work. Thanks for writing this. I hope my review helped you.
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Hi, it's Em101cats here!
Wow! I found no nitpicks. I understand the formatting problem - YWS doesn't seem to like proper formatting
I suppose I'll list my favorite line and the lines that blew me away since I have nothing else to list in the review...
FAVORITE LINE:
So much meaning, romance, love and perfection! I don't know how to explain it other than genius and meaningful. I think you can understand why I like it so much.
Whoops, I just now realized that there is a nitpick in this line. "And" should be capitalized since it's the beginning of a new sentence. But other than that, this line literally blew me away with an explosion of feeling and description. Nicely done!
Okay since two of my favorite lines were explained I'll leave you alone now, since I'm probably annoying you with endless rambling about favorites. I loved every part
Keep up the fantastic writing!
~Em101cats~
Thanks for the review; I loved to hear your favorites!
Hey! victorianbeauty here to give you a review!
So I read the piece and immediately felt that it was about a hopeless love. Beautiful!!
So, down to the review.
Here, I felt that you should put a comma after 'course' as it's a separate clause and take out the comma after 'tough', as it breaks up the sentence too much. It's too choppy with the comma. If you were reading it out loud, it would sound like this, "it's tough........to be you." You want it to flow more, which is why you should take out the comma. Also, it's part of the clause before it, so putting a comma there just looks kind of weird.
Here I would suggest replacing the comma after 'Eyes' with a period. It would help make the piece a little more dramatic, which is what I think you were aiming for. Tell me if I'm wrong.
This one is really good. All I would suggest is putting a comma after 'but'.
For some reason that I can't quite explain, I think that this might be my favorite verse out of the whole piece. I think that it is just so beautiful.
Anyways, I hope you'll forgive my nitpicks. Hope I wasn't too harsh or anything. I absolutely loved the piece and can't wait to see more from you.
Thanks for all the advice! It's really helpful.
Since I'm not online that much, could you tag me when you post another work? I really like your work and want to read more. Thanx
Will do, Victorian! That makes my day.