This is really good! I'd love to see it in a series though of poem vignettes!
Here's some criticism: the line breaks are... a bit sketchy, please work on these. For example I had to read the line "Do you really think I'm slimming, or just that I'm fishing" four times before I realized that "For compliments" was on the next line. I'm okay with the long lines, but make the short ones really count. I think it could also use a little more focus or maybe just acknowledgment inside the poem of the fact that it's not focused.
I think if you could put in the word "truth" in the last line it might be good. Also, I've been criticized before for using different metaphors that are weird in the same piece, not sure that this is valid criticism but just be concious of your metaphors. List them out. You use hand grenade/war, galaxies/horizon, and fishing. These don't really seem cohesive (the same with your imagery), but maybe you're going for disorganized. I think there is also a disconnect between the situation of being in front of strangers and thinking about being worried about your friend's genuine-ness, can you connect these two scenarios, or pull a theme from both? Lastly, I don't like that you used both the words "grocery" and "Walmart" in the same piece. Be generic or specific, be consistent, and vary your language.
I like that you can follow the emotion easily, I can completely relate to the paranoia and anxiety, and I'm sure others can too. This piece has little fluff but still has elegant yet simple language. You could try to use more poetic devises in it, as long as it didn't get distracting to make it more poetic. Good job and let me know if anything in my review doesn't make sense, or you want to discuss it.
~alli-y
Points: 144000
Reviews: 1228
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