A favorite icebreaker game, right behind rhyme something with your name or two truths and a lie is to ask obscure questions like
What are you afraid of?
Honestly, the first thing I think of is the fear of standing in front of a bunch of strangers, and being thrown some random question like a hand grenade of embarrassment.
I stammer out, “Uh… Uh… spiders?” Four people have already said spiders. Now they think I’m just a follower. I wish I could give the little guys a break. Because there are a lot of things I find much scarier.
Like getting a contact stuck in my eye or
That I’ll be crushed by those sliding doors at grocery stores and die
And die without anything stuck to my name.
There are fears off in other galaxies, and fears tucked just past the horizon. I’ll admit I’m afraid of college. I’ve always been shy and I picture it much like an overcrowded Walmart, or
That scary movie where the guy just wants to be left alone but he can’t because there are people everywhere- I mean zombies. Everywhere.
There’s no escape. Life is like a game of two truths and a lie.
Except with far more deceptions, and I’m scared to ask which is which, like
Are you really my friend- or just scared of being lonely?
Do you actually care- are you actually listening, or mindlessly nodding?
Do you know who I am? Because I don’t. And how can I be asked to come up with facts to define me, when your guess is probably just as good as mine?
I’m making a list of others’ opinions of me, calling it an identity.
That’s what really scares me.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
This is really good! I'd love to see it in a series though of poem vignettes!
Here's some criticism: the line breaks are... a bit sketchy, please work on these. For example I had to read the line "Do you really think I'm slimming, or just that I'm fishing" four times before I realized that "For compliments" was on the next line. I'm okay with the long lines, but make the short ones really count. I think it could also use a little more focus or maybe just acknowledgment inside the poem of the fact that it's not focused.
I think if you could put in the word "truth" in the last line it might be good. Also, I've been criticized before for using different metaphors that are weird in the same piece, not sure that this is valid criticism but just be concious of your metaphors. List them out. You use hand grenade/war, galaxies/horizon, and fishing. These don't really seem cohesive (the same with your imagery), but maybe you're going for disorganized. I think there is also a disconnect between the situation of being in front of strangers and thinking about being worried about your friend's genuine-ness, can you connect these two scenarios, or pull a theme from both? Lastly, I don't like that you used both the words "grocery" and "Walmart" in the same piece. Be generic or specific, be consistent, and vary your language.
I like that you can follow the emotion easily, I can completely relate to the paranoia and anxiety, and I'm sure others can too. This piece has little fluff but still has elegant yet simple language. You could try to use more poetic devises in it, as long as it didn't get distracting to make it more poetic. Good job and let me know if anything in my review doesn't make sense, or you want to discuss it.
~alli-y
Hello!
I liked your writing a lot and I think you did a great job!
Great idea, great choice of words and amazing usage of rhetorical questions!
Tension, suspension all over it, I loved it!
As someone who also doesn't like small talks and at times doesn't know the answer to the question: What are you really afraid of?, I can totally relate to this. It felt at moments as I was reading my own thoughts.
All in all, keep the great writing going and I am eager to read more of you!
Thanks for the comments; I'm so glad that you could connect to the work!
You are welcome!
Hello, hello! I'm RagingLive, and I'm going to be reviewing this wonderful poem!!
First of all, I wanted to tell you that as an introvert, I can totally relate to much of what you described here. It struck more than just one chord with me in several places, and I wanted to say thank you for writing the essence of my personality with a certain grace and compassion - maybe even understanding. This was truly a nice piece to read.
I really loved the simile you used, it shows a lot of emotion that I can relate too - as my mother would say, I think you've been reading my mail!!
There's nothing really wrong with this except that in the previous paragraph you used 'honestly' as an opener. I would suggest changing this so that it doesn't sound so repetitive, but if you do decide to keep it, add some punctuation:
"Because, honestly, there are a lot of things I find much scarier."
This is something I think that most people deal with on an everyday basis. Those that don't I typically find to be arrogant. (No offense to anyone who knows exactly who they are, but most I have ever met tend to be.) Here, though, I feel your sentence would carry more punch and be all around easier to read if we added some more proper punctuation.
"Do you know who I am? Because I don't. And how can I be asked to come up with facts, when your guess is as good as mine?"
This ending carried the most punch out of the whole poem, and there was really no other way that I think you could have put it. Bravo, simply, bravo.
Overall, I loved this poem. From the little snippet about giving the 'little guys' a break, to the contrasts of people's voiced opinions and their real thoughts.
I really hope I get to see more of your work in the future!
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Thank you so much for your thoughtful review. It means a lot to me that you could connect personally with the poem and all of your advice was really helpful.
-tgirly
Glad I could help!!
Hello, Halfbloodcheetah here for a review!
Okay, Your writing up there is amazing. For one thing, it reaches past the logicalness and goes straight for the emotions. It was written off of how some people work. They fit in to the mold that people give them. When people read this, I think they will look at their own lives and see that they are/may be doing something like this and maybe they will be inspired to change and be themselves.
I have no correction tgirly. Fantastic job!
Thanks so much!
Hi tgirl! Eveningstar here for a review
The first thing I must tell you is that this piece is really well written, very intricate and surprising with every new line, like slowly taking off the wrapping paper of a really amazing gift!
The way you listed your fears, and how there were so many things in life - everyday mundane things - way scarier than spiders, but you can't say them out loud to people because that would be weird. I thought you were going to talk about wars and natural disasters or any of the other obviously super-scary things out there that one should genuinely be more scared of than spiders. But you did one better, and spoke of private fears. That made it all the more relatable, because no matter how real those fears might be to us, there is no way we can share them with the rest of the world. That makes those fears scarier, lonelier. I mean you can scream along with everyone else during an earthquake, but even during a supremely scary introductory meeting you have to smile and nod and pretend like everything is great - kind of like being able to see an apparition invisible to everyone else, so you have to pretend it's not really there for fear of being branded crazy. That's one of my private fears, btw. :p
Anyway, I really can't think of any way to improve on this brilliant piece of writing. It's perfect just the way it is. Looking forward to reading more of your works. Keep writing!
Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate your analysis and am glad you could relate to it.