z

Young Writers Society


18+ Mature Content

It's Okay....

by postmalone


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

Sofia rolls the cigarette between between her two fingers. I watch the smoke trailing in the air of her bedroom.

   

"If your mom catches you, you'll be dead," I say.

   

"It doesn't matter. I need to distract my mind." 

   

"Your health could be affected."

   

"Eating disorder takes care of that," she replies smoothly.

    

"Sofia -"

   

"No!" She drops her voice. "I'm smoking because I can do whatever the heck I want."

   

I sigh, knowing she won't listen to what she's always been told. Our girls' night is canceled as I let myself out. She never listens to me. 

   

*  *  *

   

Following Tuesday afternoon in school, I'm on my way to my locker after my last class ended when I hear her just around the corner. I clutch my books and listen in. She's arguing with her boyfriend. 

   

"Sofia, it's over. I told you that. We don't match," Kyle says.

   

"What?! Ever since your grandfather passed away you've been completely irrational. You're taking it out on me!" 

   

"I don't love you anymore. I don't want you. I'm not standing in the way of a better guy."

   

"Kyle!" She shrieks. Despite the chatter of students rushing home with plans, no one else stops to listen. 

   

"Kyle, I love you! We were meant to forever be," pleads Sofia.

   

"It's over. I'm leaving."

   

"You said you would never leave! You promised!" Sofia desperately reaches out for his hand, but he snatches it away.

   

"I don't even know you anymore," he fires. "Promises get broken."

   

With that, Kyle stalks down the hallway and I retreat to the restroom so he doesn't see me. When I peek out, my heart pounding, I hear the sobbing fading away in the dust. 

   

She's gone. I run all the way home. 

   

*  *  *

   

I try texting her that Tuesday night. She just had a bad breakup, I tell myself. Everyone eventually recovers from losing their love. She doesn't answer. At 2:51 am I get a response.


I'm so sorry for everything I've become. You always told me what I should have listened to. You are an amazing friend and I'm sorry for neglecting you.


Another texts surfaces in four seconds:

   

Goodbye.


I shove my phone in my pocket and tear down the stairs. I know Sofia, and she would press Ignore if I tried calling her. My folks are already in bed, and so is my brother. I chase the dark away as I run five blocks to Sofia's house. I slip inside as quietly as I could, though her parents always sleep before she does.

    

The hallway's empty and I reach her room, ready to tackle her before she does something she'll regret. Smashing the light switch gives me a discovery of an empty room. A few drops of blood make a line out of it.

   

"Sofia!" I whisper-yell. My mind races. Where is she? Where did she go?

   

The bathroom door has creaked open while I was in her room. I speed-tiptoe my way into the dark. 

   

The light turns on with my trembling fingers, terrified of what I'll find. I can't breathe. 

   

A monster sits, hunched in the bathtub, wearing Sofia's favorite dress. A crimson-soaked cardigan is over top of it. The same thing Sofia wore to school.

   

In a flash, the head turns. Three discarded knives of different sizes lay splattered across the while tiles. I bring myself to look at her - red cuts extending her mouth on both sides, face pale, blood cascading down, and eyes wild with fury.

   

"...S..Sofia?" I gasp. 

   

Her arm is a mutilated mass of flesh as she raises the gun to her head. I recognize it. She always sketched guns in Art Class, careful to conceal them. A sob escapes down my throat, and I lunge for the gun. Her arm swings out of reach and she fires through the mirror. Broken glass covers us as I wince in pain.

    

Any second now, someone will come running.

    

"Don't do this," I say, clutching my hands and staring into the mirror, rocking back and forth. "Don't kill yourself. The pain will fade."

   

Footsteps pound the carpet like concrete being thrown on the ground.

    

The room spins.

    

I lower the red-streaked gun.

   

"It's okay. It's okay."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 357
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:52 am
tigershark19 wrote a review...



Dear Callmefreak,

Wow. I am even more awed by this work than by The Dark, which I previously loved and reviewed. This is not only deep and fraught with passion and feeling, but plunges the reader directly into the scene, as any truly professional piece of writing should do. I just have a couple constructively critical comments: as Iggy mentioned, I would definitely suggest changing the category of this piece. It does not really fit the poetry category. The other thing is, your sentence, "Red cuts extending her mouth on both sides...." I think you mean to say, "from her mouth." Other than that, this piece flows beautifully, and after reading it, I really feel you could be a published author one day. Please don't stop writing!

Tigershark




postmalone says...


Thanks again :)



User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Aug 08, 2016 6:43 pm
Camiewrites09 says...



This is truly amazing. I want more. I'm new to young writers, and now I'm glad I found it. The intensity is gripping, the suspense of Sofia's condition was already enough to keep reading till the end and was blind sided with tsunami of even more in her attempted suicide!




postmalone says...


Thank you. I tried to keep it realistic :3



User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate
Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:47 pm
View Likes
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey there, friend. ^^

Okay, so reaaaal quick. I noticed this is in the poetry category. It looks more like a story to me >.> I recommend you fix that :P

Onto the nitpicks~

Sofia rolls the cigarette between between her two fingers.


Only one between. Also, the "two fingers" part... I feel like it's unnecessary to state.

Following Tuesday afternoon in school


"Following Tuesday afternoon" sounds a little funny to me. Maybe reword that?

I hear the sobbing fading away in the dust


Eh, you're in a school, so there's not that much dust, I imagine hope. Besides, this is a little clique. Try something else. Just "her sobs fading away" would be fine too.

I try texting her that Tuesday night.


Okay, wait. If the first scene was on Tuesday afternoon, then the next day (the breakup) would be Wednesday, right? So this would be Wednesday night? If so, you can just say "that night". You don't have to keep repeating the days of the week unless you feel like it's important somehow.

"Sofia!" I whisper-yell.


Describe it. It's not as powerful as it should be if you just hyphen it together instead of describing what she sounds like.

A monster sits, hunched in the bathtub, wearing Sofia's favorite dress.


Good imagery here. Very nice.

I say, clutching my hands and staring into the mirror, rocking back and forth.

[...]

I lower the red-streaked gun.


How does she suddenly have the gun if she was previously clutching her hands together?



Okay, so let's talk about the story itself. The attempted suicide was a little... well... clique, I'll admit. The whole "me against the world' thing Sofia had going on kind of ruined the impact you were trying to make, in my opinion. Rebellious teen who smokes and gets dump, then tries to kill herself? I dunno. I feel like it might've made a bigger impact if you had developed Sofia a little more. Take her ex-boyfriend for example. He said she had changed. Show us how. Have the main character (I dunno if their name was ever said?) go through flashbacks. Make the story longer and show us the old Sofia and the new one. If you really want the reader to have some empathy, we need to know exactly how much Sofia fell if she's ready to die. When it comes to suicide, there's gotta be a lot more than just a few downs for the character if you want the reader to feel something.

But other than that, I think you did a good job getting your point across. Using a gun to kill herself was expected, but the mutilation wasn't. Definitely made me wince. :P It was also nicely written.

I hope this helps.

~Iggy




User avatar


Points: 240
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:28 pm
Fuggey123 says...



This poem was very strong. It captivated you emotionally and made you feel as if you were Sofia's friend, as if she was you. The fight for a close friend is a strong one and an emotional journey. I love this poem and can relate to Sofia with the broken heart and not knowing how to cope. There may have been some spelling errors in the poem but they are over looked by the diction of this author. I also love the semi vivid description at the end it makes it more alive like a movie in your head. Great work




User avatar
79 Reviews


Points: 627
Reviews: 79

Donate
Mon Jul 18, 2016 7:51 pm
CateRose17 wrote a review...



This was a lot. Man, can you pack a punch with just a few scenes. I was feeling it with your characters. And I loved the ending scene, you made it realistic, but still had a touch of horror and intrigue to it. I commend you on that and I liked the words you used to. It all fit together nicely. I like your style of writing. The only thing that did throw me off was when Sofia was talking to her boyfriend and she said
" We were meant to forever be."

That would be nice in a poem, the way you did that, but here it disrupts the flow of how nice you had everything going. I had to go back and read that part to make sure my bad eyes didn't miss anything. Over all it was a nice piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it with us. :)




postmalone says...


Awee thank you




while she was studying the ways of pasta he was studying the ways of the sword
— soundofmind