Thirsty

I've been walking,

On this lonely desert.

Sweat pouring out,

And lips just like leather.

It's been three days,

Since human contact.

I'm slowly slipping away,

My sanity no longer in tact.

It's not water or food,

That's not what it is.

The reason why is,

That no one liked my Facebook status.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Jokaly
Review
Jokaly wrote a review · Wed Feb 26, 2014 9:47 am

Strange!
Your poem was unpredictable. Reading the first lines created a suspense feeling and then there was that funny twist, the facebook status. It was very smart and playful for you to describe being on a lonely desert to no one liking your facebook staus.

Thank you for writing that strange yet wonderful poem. Keep writing.

User avatar
ladcat13
Review

Guess who... yeah, it's me! Boo.

I'm always fond of satire, and strange satire is best! (See what I did there? yeah. *Derpy face*) Anyway, I'm of a similar opinion to yours! The only reason I have a Facebook is for People to People. I don't get it when people get worked up over Facebook... YWS is more worth it than Facebook.

You have two little mistakes in here:

"My sanity no longer in tact." I assume you meant "intact", though it may be a stylistic choice... If it is, its a rather strange one.

Also, in the second to last line, "The reason why is," is a fragment. I know you have to end that line with "is", but I think you also need to include "it" in there. I don't know how you would do that... That's your problem :D

So, you did a great job with the vivid descriptions and the clever lines! I love it, as usual. Keep writing!

-Ladcat

User avatar
Zainab Review
Zainab wrote a review · Sat Feb 22, 2014 2:21 pm

Haha I was so pleasantly surprised by the ending. Only nitpicks are that I'd remove some of the commas between lines as they break the flow when I read. At the moment it's very stop-and-start and therefore a little jarring. Also the rhyming for "it is" and "status" seemed a little forced. Well done, this was a funny poem :)

User avatar
MyersRockin
Comment

ahhahahaha it kept me in suspense about its topic.



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato