The blood remains warm,
splattered all over my clothes.
A headless body lies in front of me,
a hand intact, but the fingers are curled.
It seems to have a firm grip on the trigger,
though the recoil had one hell of an impact.
The screams from his throat were violent, blood curdling ,
and all the anger was focused on me during his fit of passive rage.
"Damn it! You failure! You didn't deserve to wi-" he screamed, but stopped.
As everyone evacuated, I stayed and helped clean up the brains, trophy in hand.
Boy, does winning suck?
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139,216 Literary Works • 672,512 Reviews
Just a quick review!
I like the uniqueness of all your works. You quite literally turn cliches on their head. This poem is no different. It is fast paced, random and completely fresh in terms on concept. I do how ever agree that satires generally have a deeper message to talk about, so I am not quite sure how much of a satire this was.
It is pointless to talk about grammar for poetry, but here it did act like speed bumps, because the structuring was not consistent. It didn't however harm the overall poem as such. What I like about all of your works is, I can read all of them in one go! They almost never bore me. So yeah it's a fun read. Keep writing!
Strange,
The issue I have with this is that it doesn't really speak to anything. It is a narration, yes, but what is it supposed to point to? It's gruesome, and detailed, but why?
I can't really eke out any meaning deeper than what's presented, and satire should have a bit of sting for someone, somewhere in it. There's nothing, really, no deeper understanding. It goes somewhere, I suppose, but to me it doesn't go far enough. Give me some substance, Strange. I know you're capable of it. Gimme some o' dat tasty social commentary.
Also, why was the last line italicized? It doesn't need to be, as it doesn't add anything to the poem. And why is it a question? "Boy, winning sucks," is firmer, and it doesn't add a strange inflection to the last line in the poem.
Altogether, not bad, but certainly not your best.
Happy YWSing!
this poem is wonderful, it reminds me of medieval duels, there are few nitpicks yet i would like to point some out-
first of all the context is not clear. a vague scene is a poems beauty but perhaps adding date and time in first line would make it more realistic, like you can start with " march 21, the dawn of my penance/destruction" [ you may use the word you find appropriate.]
"though the recoil had one hell of an impact."- the recoil was your reflection or the literal recoil, and how can it have a effect here . i am really confused. however i suggest you can change it to something like- '' i shook at the impact of its recoil ''.
no more suggestions for this great work. i hope you didn't mind my harsh tone i am so sweet at times but i mean to help.
you have very strong potential and keep sharpening your skills,
keep writing
Rituparna
The poem is creepy
Its all about surviving like the movie Battle Royal. The poem is good. Its very detailed, like "a headless body lies in front of me", I would definitely scream and run away cause I don't like to see a headless body. It scares me like I can't bare to watch a horror movie. And there is a humor to it like, "As everyone evacuated, I stayed and helped clean up the brains, trophy in hand" and then he said "Boy, does winning sucks!" XD well at least he should appreciate that he won the game. XD
Overall, the poem is good! Love it! Hope to see you more of your work!
Hello, Kanome here with a review.
I have to say, this piece is very descriptive and deep.
This kind of reminds me of the Hunger Games... I don't know if this is based on that but it sounds like it.
All i can say is that the imagery in this piece is well-detailed. I can visualize what is happening throughout the whole piece.
The last line
It displays the dark humor in the piece, at least that's what I think.
All in all, this is truly amazing. Keep it up. I can't wait to read more of your work.
- Kanome -
it was a particularly peculiar poem i think as you don't usually get to read ones like this. i felt the completeness the fulfillment after reading this and it left me baffled. so many emotions plucked without even discussing single one of them - you've done a pretty good job here.
one thing that i think was obstructing the flow of the poem was its prose like structure. you know when there is no uniformity no structure its a bit tougher to read and appreciate the poem which i encountered here.
it has a very dry very to the point imagery and to me it had both good and.. i wouldn't say bad effects. first the dryness of yours while describing the scene is something that bugs me, i don't know why but i don't like how detached how emotionless you are as you see the headless body. but then i like it too, somehow, probably because of the way it ends?
overall, i think it was a pretty good poem. so thumbs up for that. i'd love to read next from you. all the best for that.