A/N: Bad commentary on current sitcoms and American media.
The woman's skin is dark, burned,
and damaged. Her posture is slouched,
dust from the train tracks covers her
shoes as their eyes flash a green.
The contrast of color from the setting
and the girl is astounding.
Up close, there is a glaring detail.
Money signs in the poor slave's
eyes. A fairly recent work,
it has been attracting a lot of visitors.
"Hey, these money signs must represent
the money that is gained from this slavery.
Very underground!"
Thousands of men in suits
rush the painting, trampling
the man, sticking money
in his mouth and leaving
with the portrait.
Six months later,
7.9 million watch ABC's newest sitcom.
A commentary on modern day slavery
and a young girl getting in touch with
her roots. It is simply titled,
"The Underground Diarie$".
The biggest hit this television season.
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Hey there! A few specific comments first:
I wonder if you need to say 'dark' in that first line since you already have burned. Perhaps you could replace both with 'blackened' if you really wanted to give the impression of darkness. Or perhaps you could remove damaged instead - it feels like there are too many adjectives so I think at least one needs to be removed. You could replace it with an image, maybe:
The woman's skin is burned,
dark like a brandy stain.
I'm not sure about the last two lines. They feel unnecessary and I really liked the imagery until that point, but those two lines feel flat and more like they're summarising the rest of the stanza.
I'm not sure we need to be told that 'there is a glaring detail'. I think instead you could go straight on to:
Up close, there are dollar signs
in the poor slave's eyes.
I think specifying the type of money, whether it's dollar/ pound/ euro or something else adds a little more of a cultural aspect and makes the line more immediately understandable and easy to picture. Money signs is too abstract.
Overall
I liked the ending and don't have any criticism there. This is a pretty solid poem and has a nice brutality to it. A little more imagery and less telling would be nice, but I like the theme and it's an interesting read.
All the best,
~Heather
Hey! Strong one. Right on the face! Straight to the point and pretty deep.
Want a review? I bet you crave for more and more, right?
Here I go!
Well, it was good. To be honest, it was a good one. Although you used quite a commanding language, it still didn't turn out to be a nightmare. lol
I still feel that this poem could have become so much better than what it really was if you could somehow making rhyming - made it easier for the reader to read! Just my two cents. lol You don't really have to worry about it because that's what I think and nobody cares what I think.
Other than that, I agree on what you said in the last stanza! I would like to thank you for bringing this topic up to the world. I hope to read more of related stuff from you soon.
Good luck. Keep writing and guess what! You rock.
Hm, this is interesting.
Correct me if I'm wrong: I'm reading this as a commentary on TV stations stealing other peoples ideas and (possibly?) ignoring/messing up their meaning, and that new thing being really popular instead of the original.
Frankly, my main issue with his poem is that it feels too heavy-handed, especially with the dialogue in the second stanza. It's kind of forced into the reader's face that this poem has a message, but the message is still kinda unclear.
I don't quite understand why the subject of the painting was a slave. Is it to show that the TV people ignore the social commentary part and just use it to make a TV show?
Finally, I feel like the flow in your second stanza is really off. I'm not sure why, I just really don't think it works very well. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, mostly since I'm not entirely sure what you were intending to convey. Just read it out loud to try and figure it out, I guess.
I really like the third stanza, though.
Also, it may just be me, but it doesn't seem like a show about a slave girl would be a very good sitcom. Is that part of your point?
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful - I know there's a problem with this, but I don't really know how to fix it.
This is so truthful I think it's really sad that slavery ever exsisted and in some parts of the world still does. I feel like we are more than not often sheltered from the harsh realities of slavery. But I also think that it's very critical that we learn about the past so it doesn't repeat itself. Good job!! X
That was nowhere near the point of the poem. This doesn't really have that much to do with slavery, but thanks for the review