It falls gracefully,
90 feet in the air.
They're accepting death,
Because life isn't fair.
Second body.
It sits idle,
Blood pours out if it.
The blood is splattered,
Like it had a laxitive.
There is something different,
I can't tell what it is.
This body is young,
And had more years to live.
Third body.
It hangs,
Rope supporting it.
The body is motionless,
With a pale face.
It's younger than the last one,
Seems about 15 years young.
Suicide note in hand,
Simply saying "I'm done".
Fourth and final body.
This one isn't dead,
Or not yet, atleast.
It sits alone,
In a live feed.
It swallows the pill,
And lays back.
Slowly leaving this world,
Going to one in black.
Younger and younger,
The victims get.
It doesn't smell like happiness,
It smells like death.
I find it pathetic.
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139,353 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hullo there Strange! Pompadour here for a quick review!
Technical
OK, so before I move on with the technicalities, I suggest you write the Author's note in bold so the reader can differentiate it from the actual work. That just makes reading a little easier, is all.
Another thing -- throughout the poem, you use the word "body" a lot. And that adds this monotonous feeling to it. Maybe replace it with "corpse" or "shell" in a couple of places? Or even compare it to a marionette? Just a suggestion here.
Overall, I really liked the idea you've got stirring up behind this, but I had the feeling you could have gone in deeper with this. Suicide rates are getting higher, the victims are getting younger. Day by day, the human race is getting pathetic, succumbing to pills and knives and other dratted ways of killing themselves. Put anger into what you say. Add a tinge of scorn. Don't just say "I find it pathetic." Declare it outright, 'cause heck, they are weak. OK? Also, this poem you've got here is pretty controversial. I won't go on about it being tactless, because it's a satire and that's what art does.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
I hope this review helped.
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Smells like death, eh? I can't figure out where I heard that from before...oh well.
Anyways. This was deep and very well written. The progression of the bodies and heir deaths goes really well, even though it cuts from one person to the next.
I don't have much to say today, but good job. It was really enjoyable.
Always,
Dark Heart