The wind,
Blows strong against my face.
75 mph,
It already won the race.
It flows.
Through bushes and trees.
Causing the branches,
To lose its leaves.
It attacks strong,
Carrying dust and rocks.
It attacks when it's cool,
Not when it's hot.
The wind can cause disasters,
Like this poem, for an example.
It proves I have nothing good to write about,
What's next, a poem about an apple?
Coming Soon: A Poem About An Apple
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,350 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi there!
I love the ironic twist at the end of the poem, particularly the way that you add "Coming Soon: A Poem About An Apple" after the last stanza. It made me laugh.
However, considering that the point of this poem is to satirize the unoriginality of ideas in poetry, I think it could be shortened. Rather than having three stanzas of "unoriginal poetry" to prove a point, which is driven home in the last stanza, I think you could have just one "unoriginal" stanza.
Or, better yet: Instead of the first three stanzas being themselves "unoriginal poetry," rewrite them so they're about someone thinking of writing a poem, only we see the poet's ideas as unoriginal. So instead of just talking about the wind blowing through the trees (or whatever), have the narrator actually thinking about the wind blowing through the trees, maybe trying to come up with an original simile for wind blowing through the trees--and failing.
Not only will this make your poem about the unoriginality of poetry more original itself, but it will also make the voice in the first three stanzas gel more with the voice in the last stanza by bringing in the first-person pronouns earlier.
(I know you want your poem to satirize unoriginality, but you don't want it to be unoriginal itself, not even to get a point across, or people won't read past the first stanza, and then they'll miss your point.)
Hope this helps!
Blue
Strange,
This is a clever little piece; someone may even call it cute. I like how short it is. You might even try to make it shorter somehow. Try to make it around three stanzas if you can. Thanks for the fun and fickle read.
The rhyming in the third stanza is forced; you may want to find something better to smooth it out. I don't like the word choice of 'attacks' in this stanza as well. Eventhough the wind you described previously is aggressive; I felt that the word, attacks, was too violent for the fickleness of the poem.
The last stanza is very weak in my opinion. The voice changes too much; it's almost annoying. There have been lots of poems that carry the same writing style as this last stanza. Maybe I'm being too picky, but it seems distracting. The last line in particular needs to be repaired in some way. It defaults on grammar. And the voice contains too much self-depreciation.
Again, thanks for the sweet yet passing experience. Poetry is incredibly valuable; I am relieved that you personally partake in such an endeavor. Please keep writing; I want to see you incorporate a more bodied voice with the same tact and wit you show in this piece. See you around.
Sincerely,
Z
Wow! Nice poem!
I really like the rhyme scheme, but even more I love the last stanza.
My only complaint while reading it was the line
"75 mph"
Having a calculation made it seem less a part of nature, and more so reminded me of watching the news report while I'm inside, and away from the wind
Great work and I can't wait to read A Poem About An Apple!
~Hadj
I dubbed thee, King of satire! *throws satire jellies to the wind*
Brilliant....
so smooth i loved it