My material if I was ever a lounge singer.
You ever get
That feeling
That certain feeling
When you hit the ceiling
I did once
Feeling so high
Man, the spark
Sent me to the sky
Though
That ship didn't set sail
I ended up crash landing
In Roswell!
She's an alien,
Oh, crap!
She's an alien,
Oh, snap!
Tentacles, eyes,
Got it all.
Worst than the men's,
Bathroom stall!
She's an alien,
Oh, crap!
She's an alien,
Oh, snap!
Tentacles, eyes,
Got it all.
Worst than the men's,
Bathroom stall!
The story began
On a Friday night
Me dancing away
Among the neon lights.
There she was,
Slinky red dress.
One that shone,
Brighter than the rest.
I approached her,
"Wanna dance?"
She grabbed my hand,
And from there we pranced.
After a while
We head back to my pad
It isn't this
That is so bad
It's at this part
Where it's not cheeky
If anything
It's pretty freaky
Hit the Chorus, Johnny!
We are at my crib
Getting groovy and such
I was expecting a lot
But not this much!
I put my hand on her back
She feels so thin
My arm went
Under the skin
I pull back
And it all comes off
Undressing this behemoth
The scariest one I've ever saw!
Chorus, once again
Tentacles flailing
Knocking everything down
How does this
Get people aroused?
One hits my knee
Takes out all my power
I lay on the ground
And cower
I don't remember
Much after that
Just crying and limping
In a matter of fact
Is there an explanation?
The world may never know.
I guess
That's how life goes!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hi strange.
I'm not feeling the skinny. It's supposed to be funny, yes, but since this is a lounge type thing, perhaps you could say "slinky." That means that the dress clings to her frame, while a skinny dress just sounds weird.Okay, so this was supposed to be really funny, and it was quite amusing, but the end fell flat with me. I think that having an actual alien crash land and go on a date is much funnier than finding out that the narrator had taken LSD. LSD doesn't cause this kind of hallucination, anyway.
The second section of the chorus is funny, but I don't know if "got it all" and "bathroom stall" really work. The first one feels like a copout. A setup for the second.
You don't need punctuation after every line. You can punctuate it as if it was prose. It kinda made me cringe a little-- it made my mind pause after each line, and I think it would be more enjoyable if there wasn't quite a pause in my mind.
I don't really have much more to say about this. Good lord, strange. I hope you found this helpful. Happy writing!
Thanks, Mags.
It did help me out a lot. I wasn't sure about the LSD thing, so now I changed that and all that.
Thanks again
Review,
this song was fantastic and well written. I could feel the what the character was going through. My favorite part of this poem was this line:
She's an alien oh crap!
She's an alien oh snap!
This line was so well written. You know those times when your reading a book and there's that one part where you can really feel what the authors describing? That's how I felt about this line. Well done!
I'm not going to do spelling corrections because I'm not the best at them. I don't want to be telling you the wrong advice. I think this was great and I hope to hear more from you soon.
keep writing
~cassaundra~
That was absolutely brilliant. "That's what you get, if you take LSD!" I died at this part. I'm not good at reviewing poems/lyrics so I'll just leave this fancy comment about this masterpiece.
~Bastion