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Murphy's: The Deadly Disease You Haven't Heard Of.

by Willard

I wrote this for school, just slightly edited. In no way am I against the Navy.

One day, in a dark elementary school playground in Lincoln, CA, a young couple named Jon and Lexie wanted to have fun. After drinking, committing sexual activity, and taking in illegal drugs, they wanted to loiter. The young girl thought of a great idea as they approached the swing set. "Let's Seat!" She yelled in joy as she knelt down the seat, stuck out her tongue, and took a big lick.

That was the last time Lexie felt happy.

It's been a year since young Lexie licked the swing set, and it's been six months since she lost the ability to walk. She is one of the biggest cases in the Seating trend. Seating is the act of one licking a swing set seat. Though it is very childish and "is, like, a really brave thing to do", Seating leads to a very dangerous disease.


Yvanehtnioj, commonly known as Eddie Murphy's, is a disease that breaks all the tissue in the Gluteus Maximus. Though it may sound very silly, it isn't. After the first two months of having Murphy's, your butt starts becoming "flat" and starts caving in. Within four months, you no longer have a butt. On the sixth month, you still don't have a butt, but you can't walk.

It's not just young people it's affecting. The other day I was on a walk when I saw a man who appeared to be in his 80's. He looked awful disgruntled, so I decided that he was the perfect one to ask the very important question.

"Sir." I said

"H'wat!?" He yells in my ear.

"Have you ever heard of the disease Yvanehtnioj?" 

"H'wat!?" The old man yells.

"Have you heard of Yvanehtnioj?" I ask again, raising my voice.

"There's a ram in my Dodge?!" He asked very loudly

"Yvanehtnioj!" I shouted again.

"Ram in my Dodge!" 

One person who is familiar to Yvanehtnioj is famed comedian and actor Adam Sandler. Four months ago, his daughter had contacted Murphy's only three months ago. Due to that, Sandler had to stop filming for Grown Ups 3 to please humanity be there for her daughter in these tragic months.

Ever think of licking a swing set seat, or another human's eyeball? Don't! Lick lollipops or a Popsicle instead. It'll literally save your life.

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75 Reviews

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Reviews: 75

Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:50 pm
Hassanfs wrote a review...


That made erupt into hysterical laughter :P

*wipes away tear*

Ram in my dodge .

and the Adam Sandler bit as well :P

I only have one problem with it.

"Four months ago, his daughter had contacted Murphy's only three months ago. "

I get the effect you're trying to create, but it the repetition of "months ago" just doesn't sound right.

Nice job!


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423 Reviews

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Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:55 am
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Vervain wrote a review...

Hello, there! I'd like to thank you for taking your time to spread awareness about this horrible, horrible affliction!

However, I think that as an essay I find this a little lacking! Not only does it lack any cases other than Lexie's in the introduction to the piece, it also lacks much of the history behind it: i.e., why it's called Eddie Murphy's disease, where it originated, how it originated (of course all obscure facts I would applaud you for finding!).

I also think that your essay lacks any persuasive backing! Some children who read about this disease might think it is " cool " and "the right thing to do" because all their friends are doing it, and you lack the statistics to convince them otherwise! There are some people who may simple say "well, I have enough butt to spare" and not consider the horrible consequences! This essay may also tempt children to go out and Seat more, because they think it won't happen to them until it does!

I find the section about the old man nearly useless, and it might have more impact if you had more facts backing up the main body of your essay! It also might have had more impact if you altered the facts of the interview so that the old man was more acquainted with Yvanehtnioj and knew the ramifications of such a serious disorder, or perhaps had a family member who suffered it or suffered it himself!

Overall, effective but not as much as it could have been! I look forward to more essays from you, good sir! (This was painful to type. Legit critique embedded in this: effective satire needs to have facts, even pseudo-facts, backing it up. Random old man aside was random. It's a little school assignment, so I understand if you're not taking it quite as seriously, but practice makes perfect.) Keep writing!

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159 Reviews

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Fri Sep 26, 2014 4:03 am
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veeren says...

i feel like this is some weird ad trying to get me to join the navy through some sort of fancy shmancy propaganda

and i think its working

Willard says...

Actually, after I presented this, my teacher approached me, asking me if I meant that if you join the Navy you get butt cancer

veeren says...

whatd you tell them?

Willard says...

"You never know"

veeren says...

*slow clap*

birk says...

Mandrake, you just made my day.

"There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts."
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart