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Young Writers Society



Irrelevant, Anti-climatic Plot Twist

by Willard


Right now, the Devil is beating is wife. By that, I mean it's raining while the sun is out. The rain slightly prickles my head as I walk down the street. No one is outside, just a stranger strolling along. The house is two blocks away. It feels like I'm walking down the same street over and over, due to the lack of scenery.

I softly hum "Loser" by Beck. My legs pace in a certain pattern, left foot then right foot. I move my shoulders side to side, tossing the bag across my back. I can feel it poking me, about ready to shoot.The strap twists as it rolls up my shoulder, digging in slowly. Five more houses, I say to myself as I approach the house.

I break into a small rush. I pass one house, bag slamming against my back. The soft metal is nearly crippling me. Once I reach the house, I toss it over my shoulder and take a deep breath. I take a look at the house. It is painted in a horrible shade of yellow, with no evidence of yard care at all. The house is two stories, with dead plants right by the windows and door.

I get on my knees and unzip the bag. I pull out a black Sniper Rifle. I prop the butt on my shoulder and lift the gun up. I stare into the scope, trying to find human life within the shades. There is sight of a little kid, but taking a kid's life is horrible. Then I see the dad, standing right in my way. I have my finger on the trigger, and I'm about to pull.

Plot twist, I'm my own mother.


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Tue Feb 17, 2015 8:24 am
Bobster28 wrote a review...



Quite a strange story but the detailed descriptions of everything are really great.
What is the purpose though of a sniper killing someone if the person he kills is irrelevant "There is sight of a little kid, but taking a kid's life is horrible." so basically he's a serial killer with morals who chooses random non-child targets to kill? The sniper is also far too close to the house to use a sniper rifle to be honest because for such a small distance his scope would be far too zoomed in. Anyway I'm just nit-picking, sorry.

Other than that I guess you pulled off the irrelevant, Anti-climatic Plot Twist quite well.




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Thu Apr 24, 2014 9:59 pm
Sylar14 wrote a review...



First: Alright, at the very beginning of the story, there's a typo.
"-the Devil is beating is wife."
I believe "is" should be "his". Nothing too serious, typos happen all the time.
I also don't understand what the Devil beating his wife has to do with a sun shower?

Second: I don't think "slightly" needs to be there when you say,
"The rain slightly prickles me head-"

Third: "No one is outside, just a stranger strolling along."
Does this mean that the protagonist is the stranger strolling? If so, you should specify that? Otherwise that statement sounds contradicting, saying that no one is outside, but then you mention a stranger strolling along.

Fourth: This isn't so much a critique as it is a praising. I really liked the last sentence in the first paragraph. It's probably my favorite line out of this small piece here! You did a good job with that line.

Fifth: You keep saying "house". Instead of repeating "house" again and again, maybe you can change it to something like, "my destination" or "the home". It's good to avoid saying the same words over and over again. So try using different words that just mean the same thing.

Sixth: In the last sentence in the third paragraph, I don't think "right" needs to be there when you say, "-with dead plants right by the windows and door." I think the sentence would be perfectly find without that extra word there.

Seventh: The ending. It's supposed to be a plot twist, but I just don't understand it at all. This left me incredibly confused. But that just might be me not knowing things. Heh.

Other than all of these things, you have a nice story here. It seems like it's cut short and you could add more to it! Though that is a possibility, it isn't necessary.
I hope this helped in some way, shape or form!
Keep writing!!

~Sylar




Willard says...


I know, it doesn't make sense. I don't know why this story exists



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 2:55 pm
WallFlower wrote a review...



Hi there :)

Way to confuse me with a plot twist like that. I couldn't decide if I should laugh or stick with being confused :P

I only had a few nitpicks.

I break into a small rush. I pass one house, bag slamming against my back. The soft metal is nearly crippling me. Once I reach the house, I toss it over my shoulder and take a deep breath. I take a look at the house. It is painted in a horrible shade of yellow, with no evidence of yard care at all. The house is two stories, with dead plants right by the windows and door.


In this paragraph you use the word "house" a lot. It gets really repetitive when they're all within the same paragraph.

I get on my knees and unzip the bag. I pull out a black Sniper Rifle. I prop the butt on my shoulder and lift the gun up. I stare into the scope, trying to find human life within the shades. There is sight of a little kid, but taking a kid's life is horrible. Then I see the dad, standing right in my way. I have my finger on the trigger, and I'm about to pull.


In this paragraph, you begin five out of the seven sentences with the word "I." That also gets repetitive.

Keep writing!

~WallFlower




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 2:29 am
ladcat13 wrote a review...



A rather strange short story by... Well, @Strange.

I have two little nitpicks: one, you used the word "I" in the beginnings of the sentences a LOT. It has a negative affect on your voice, so try to mix it up a bit. Two, WHY WOULD YOU KILL THE KID'S DAD RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM? That's almost as bad as killing him, he'll be traumatized for life!! Just saying, if you're trying to portray your character as having compassion by telling us that he won't kill a little kid, telling him that he's going to kill the kids father right in front of him instead is NOT the right way to do it.

Alright, sorry, that's my violent initial reaction. I'm realizing that I probably got way too worked up over a story with four characters in it, none of whom have names or faces. Hehe. Yeah, that's me... Miss Overreaction.




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 1:08 am
birk says...



"I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

Love the song, and it worked well here. I like it ;)


Also:
Edit

Right now, the Devil is beating his wife.





Who knew paper and ink could be so vicious.
— Kathryn Stockett, The Help