A/N: Edgy for edgy sakes. I made this out of boredom.
The light reflects
off your hair.
It creates this
bright glare.
It shines into my eyes
but it doesn't matter.
It looks goodwould look better if you were less fatter.
I count down the minutes
I spend with you.
I don't want it to end.=Actually, I do.
I bring your head close to mine.I can feel the oil.I kiss your nose.Makes my blood boil.
in each others eyes.
"I love you." I say.That was a lie.We smile,
then hug.
I hug really tight
to squish you like a bug.
You repeat those
three words.
I repeat them too.You make me bored.
Hurry up already."I'm really glad.
You're wasting my time.
Glad to call you mine."
I fumble for wordsa basic screw you.I really
loathe you.
"You,
you what?!"Damn it, I Freudian slipped."I'm sorry,
Welp, I'm stuck.
Wait, no I'm not."I'm a failure."I should stop."
"YOU LIED TO ME!"
Her inner dragon comes out.
I stand up as she attacks me,
trying to stay stout.
That doesn't stop
three kicks to the head.
I should lay here until I diebut I'm already dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hi!
Wow, this is amazing. I really enjoyed this satirical poem of your. I cannot point out any flaws, I think it's flawless. I love the crossed out words. It shows what the narrator really wants to say and it's pretty funny. I like this alternative side to a relationship because a lot of people focus on the good things and when I see things like this, it's just pure gold to me, liquid gold that I can drink and enjoy. I don't despise relationships but I like to see other sides to it written too and it is great so keep up the good work and I would love to see more soon!
Stay awesome!
Valerie
Hey there! Delirium here to give you a review!
First of all, wow. This is so different from, most poems that are seen today. So many focus on the romantic side of relationships, but this veers completely in the other direction. I love the way that you used the strike tool to emphasize what I assume to be the narrator's thoughts.
The way that you organized the poem as well, with four lines in each stanza, makes it very pleasing to the reader, and adds a nice rhythm. The rhyming scheme is not over-bearing, like I find in most poems, so well done.
All in all, nothing to complain about. You did an amazing job, and I hope to read more. Keep on writing!
xx- Delirium
I love this piece of poem. It's funny with all of those crossed out phrases.. I see that you're being realistic, but you're trying to hide your "realistic-ness" by crossing out the phrases at the end of each stanza.. It was great overall. You did a great job. I love it. Keep up the great work!