A/N: I haven't done a poem in a while, so I'm a bit rusty. Anywho, this is a simple conversation about society, between a person with hope and a cynical jerk. The person with hope will speak in Italics.
It's that awkward moment,
Where the worst thing happens.
Though it isn't amusing,
Everyone will be clapping.
"The humor is immature,
Society is dumb."
I can agree,
It makes me feel numb.
"We need to do something,
This needs to stop!
Bring out our buckets,
And prepare the mops"
I'm sorry,
But reality exists.
You can't stop it,
Even if it makes you pissed.
"I'll tell them I'm smart,
And I'm superior!"
Doing that,
Makes you inferior.
"What are you going to do?"
I'm going to watch.
"You aren't doing anything!"
That's what I thought.
See, person with hope?
Sometimes you just have to spectate.
Just let it go,
And not take out your hate.
So what if they humiliate people?
So what if it's for the Vine?
I could care less,
They're not worth my time.
Don't care about it,
It's just a passing fad.
In no time, it's gone,
It'll feel somewhat fast.
"That didn't rhyme!
You're supporting Society's grout!"
Well, one strike, two strike,
Three strikes, you're out.
"That didn't make sense,
Why are you rhyming?"
Let's just call it,
Perfect timing.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Strange. +1 here to review as honestly as I can!
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I don't know if it's just me not reading into this poem enough, but I felt like by the time it ended, the rhyming was getting forced, and it didn't make much sense. Your last two stanzas particularly enforced my opinion.
Even the beginning, the words just barely rhymed. I'm not one to criticize the non perfection of rhyming, though, so I won't stay on this subject.
The beginning was an attention catcher. You write about an interesting, broad topic, and your approach is original and unique. A conversation between the cynic and the hoper? Very cool approach. However, I felt like they weren't saying much on how society really is, and it was rather loosely put together and forced. I don't know if this was your intention, but by the end I thought the cynic was a kinder person than the hoper, and the hoper was a bit annoying and angry. Good job if it was
All in all, I would say I would give you roughly 6/10 for a good idea, but (in my opinion) not so great execution. I hope I wasn't too harsh!
Keep writing, Strange!
I'm not mad, because what goes around comes around. I gave you a harsh review, you gave one right back. Thanks!
Oh, I didn't mean this as "revenge" for your review; I honestly agreed with you on that poem. I hope you don't think of it that way! Btw, thanks for the follow
It's okay, but if I explained something, it's just, uh out there.
Okay
No matter who you vote for the government always gets in
This was quite the mystery,
It took me some time to find out your odd ( a very good odd) thoughts on society and how our life works. I totally loved the rhythm of the poem and i thought it was very whimsical and flows very well.
""That didn't rhyme!
You're supporting Society's grout!"
Well, one strike, two strike,
Three strikes, you're out."
this part was my favorite because it reminded me of something Dr. Suess would write in his book. I think you should definitely continue doing more writing in this area because you are very good at it!
Hey Strange! Night here for a short review.
Well, your name certainly matches my opinion of this poem. It was quite odd. But not in a bad way! I enjoyed the struggle trying to figure out what the heck it meant. If this is a simple conversation, obviously I am failing to get it.
I noticed no grammar mistakes, which was lovely. The message, however... I understand that it is an argument about society, and I feel that the person with hope believes that society can be changed, while the other stands back and watches them fail. I also think that the main character had a bad experience with society being about the media, or something, but yeah, that's what I came away with. I enjoyed the rhyming, and the break of the fourth wall at the end, even if it was random and I didn't understand it.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I know you most likely have a message in mind, even if it didn't hit me, and it drew me in all the same.
Keep writing and being awesome!
~Night
I love that you gave me a challenge to try to understand this. It really questions me on your thoughts about life and how you see it. There was humor and damn! I loved it. I like in your poetry that there's two perspectives and they're arguing sort of. Not angry arguing but disagreements.
My favorite part was:
"We need to do something,
This needs to stop!
Bring out our buckets,
And prepare the mops"
Are you saying we need to change our society? That's how I understood, and this is powerful. You said you were a little rusty. Rusty my ass, this was great!
^_^