The Mouse

by StoryWeaver13

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published July 29, 2011

In Poetry B.C.

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Spoiler! :
A quick-write about my own secret jealousy of my friend. I know I always help her get her "moments," but sometimes I feel like a mouse of Cinderella's...nothing but the help without their own story. Well here it is.


Enchanted night, the beautiful graced,
And who is this, this Cinderella?
A friend of mine, a girl I’ve known
For so many years.
Sharing my cellar.

But now look upon her, a princess,
Perfectly adorned in the finest,
The things my own hands adorned
Her neck with.
They glitter.

And I watch her beneath the lights, dancing.
The godmother’s chosen - graced I suppose?
Not like me, a mouse in her shadow,
A simple creature.
Unattractive.

Their lips draw tediously near, shaking,
And I cannot look if I wish to not cry,
As I can only wish for such a moment
Like her own.
Daring to dream.

I must remember, I suppose,
The way things work in this world.
She is the beautiful, the one they love,
And I am a mouse.
Alone.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
theLockedLibrary
Review
theLockedLibrary wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2011

Oh wow, I never thought about it in that way. Simply spectacular! There aren't any grammar or spelling mistakes, and it was really well done. But just remember that there's no need to be jealous of your friend. You are definitely not the help in the story, because everyone is a story of their own.

User avatar
cyancheshire
Review
cyancheshire wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2011

I really liked the message you have.

A few things that drew me off:

But now look upon her, a princess,
Perfectly adorned in the finest,
The things my own hands adorned
Her neck with.
They glitter.


The entire stanza threw me off. It didn't define a rhythm, but neither did the entire thing. I was looking for a rhythm to kind of read to, but I didn't find anything. And the "The things my own hands adorned/Her neck with./They glitter." I don't understand. Maybe you could find a way to clarify that more?

Their lips draw tediously near, shaking,
And I cannot look if I wish to not cry,
As I can only wish for such a moment
Like her own.
Daring to dream.


I didn't see any rhyming, and it seemed that you rhymed at least once or twice. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. XD

Overall, it was pretty good.

User avatar
JasperSkye
Review
JasperSkye wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2011

Wow. Beautifully written. You really captured the emotion in this poem. Very very very amazing!! I love it. <3 Absolutely amazing. :) Keep up the good work. Seriously.



But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red