There was the box -
Mahogany, old polished wood
Inscribed with golden design.
I saw it when I was little,
Knew it’s contents by heart.
Grandma’s bracelets,
Clip-on earrings and
Pendant pearls.
Grandpa’s Swiss-army knife,
Playing cards and
Tobacco pack.
I’m older and more observant now.
Were these the things
That killed them?
I look inside and see
Lust and vanity,
Glinting things real
And fake.
Objects that meant more
Than they should have.
Objects of sin
And pointless greed.
I used to want the box so badly,
Always took it and
Hid it away.
I don’t want that anymore,
And only take one thing.
It’s a letter wrote to grandpa,
Last words from loved ones.
It tells stories of the past,
Of baseball games and
Perfect dog days.
I hold it close; it’s all I find of worth.
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wow i really like this poem. its very touching.
this is the stanza i was most moved by:
"I look inside and see
Lust and vanity,
Glinting things real
And fake.
Objects that meant more
Than they should have.
Objects of sin
And pointless greed."
truly well-written, you deserve a pat on the back. Bravo!
Upile
Okay, overall I like this, and let me see if I'm getting the metaphor straight - when you say "were these the things that killed them" I get a divorce vibe. Just making sure that I'm correct?
Anyways, I only have three suggestions for improvement, two of which are simple grammatical errors:
In the line "I don't want that anymore," it would flow better to say "I don't want IT anymore."
In the line "It's a letter wrote to grandpa," it should be "it's a letter WRITTEN to grandpa."
Also, I feel like you have a lot of sentence fragments. I know this is a poem and sentence fragments are allowed to an extent, but if you have so many, especially so many of similar length, the reader starts to notice them and they become bothersome.
Otherwise, great job.
~Blue