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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
I'm glad you did write! It was definitely worth it. I often find that I cannot keep myself away from pen and paper even when I say I will - you aren't alone!
I agree wholeheartedly with the two reviews before me, although your poem flows in a strange way it works. It works well. The piece definitely has a somewhat eerie feel to it, but you have managed to create beautiful imagery and for that I am jealous!
Although it may seem like it needs a lot of editing, I would actually leave it pretty much the same way as you have it now. Go over and check for any grammer mistakes, or syllables that seem out of place and I think it'll be perfect!
If I had enough skin, I would tattoo this to myself. Instead, I will settle for imprinting this into my mind. This piece has a very haunting feel to me. I feel that it would be something one would hear in a pirate movie but don't take that the wrong way. Its like a old sailor's song or a widow's cry as it's sung across the river, haunting those lucky enough to hear it.
This line makes me think of all the men who signed up to live the life of a sailor, growing to regret it but yet, falling in love with it.
The life of the sea ends up becoming an extension of himself.
Summer is a metaphor for his youth or even his freedom.
That life at sea is a life of hardships but he's living for it now because it is what he is.
Now, I know this is absolutely NOT what you were thinking when you wrote this but for some reason it struck the sailor part in me and what does it matter but as long as a person finds inspiration in it somewhere.
Much love,
Saye
Wow. What I want to say is wow. Like, I feel like this poem needs a lot of reworking, but what you've found is a lucky combination of words that evokes something I haven't seen evoked in words before. The problem is, there's not much beyond it. What I'm talking about is after pushing the heat down on us, you show us the way that the chill of a river mixes with someone's breath. There's the feeling of a really nice refreshing gulp of water after the heat's got your mouth all dry and hot. You have that in "chilled river-water breath", a little more compactly in "river-mint", but I don't think river mint works without the motion and shimmering that we get from the word water in the first mention.
I don't think caged works with release, but I'd like to see you work some sort of sensation from the throat. Because then you bring us from the mouth to the lips with that smooth rock and that sensation is also so clear, that smoothness against lips that are so sensitive we know when the rock is smooth and when it's not really smooth.
So, like, all these sensory details are EXQUISITE, but there is nothing else here. I'm so excited about the sensory details that I almost want to forgive it, but I can't. The thin story you have tried to thread through doesn't hold up. I don't care about some person and their generic tale about summer love being fleeting. I can FEEL things in your words. I want to FEEL something about their relationship, too. Letting go to the stream? What is that? There's no sensation in that, unless you try to capture the feeling of skin as it leaves someone's grip, that tug of the skin against skin as it pulls away.
What I'm saying is, you've got things to work with. Find what story they're relevant to, or what backdrop they'll work with, and this will be really astounding. Let me know if you figure it out, because I'd like to be blown away.
Thanks. Lemme know if you have questions.
Hannah