I didn’t get to sleep that night.
Singing bedsprings wailed at my arising, saying,
“Oh, but you’ve yet to close your eyes, poor girl!”
Ah, silly me, I forgot that sympathy was so outdated,
and in truth they probably sing for the release of my
blanket-wrapped contorted weight,
so I rub dark-lidded eyes and press my lips to
torrid tea, thinking of it all, oh silly me, of things
not worth the stress or heartache, blues of
“he-and-she” and then, well, you know,
I’m here as well, but I’m alone.
They tell me this is why I’m sleepless, that
I let it force me towards the brink and finally
decide, last minute, to pull off of the slippery edge
with fingers filled with feathers from my abused pillow,
as if with all intent to fly.
(Such a silly thought, oh why?)
And so it takes some time, but then he comes
and holds my head up higher, says to me that
things are not wired to be as I have set them, that
my long nights held on by treble-clefs not even near
diminuendo have left him in my poor Limbo,
star-thrust skies our sole translation, knowing for us,
time and space has ended.
I didn’t get to sleep that night.
Hellow, StoryWeaver13!!
I think your poem is pretty good. I love that you kept on writing with the same personality, how you mentioned 'silly' three times and how it started and ended the same way<333 That's a perfect way to make the reader get hooked up enough to read it again. Beautiful!
Keep writing!
~Solly<3
All in all, this poem had a really good flow and nice use of language. I really liked it and I'm glad I took the time to read it. It's not awkward sounding at all and the rhyming is actually in....like, in touch with the stanza breaks of the poem. In the end, very very good poem and keep writing!
I really like how the poem has in depth meaning. It also leaves you guessing on what it is based on and how it's written.
I would improve on the choice of words though, they are not exactly the easiest to read. Another thing what is
"dark-lidded"? maybe you could use some other word to describe it.