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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello there StoryWeaver13 (and welcome to the Erudites; now go review~)! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day. Just in case you get confused as to who Murtle is later on because oh noes everyone's getting name changes on the mod team.
Anyways, with that said, onto the review!
I love rhyming poems. I really, really love rhyming poems. I've been told such a love is rather detrimental to my poetry credentials, but I don't care. Which is why this poem makes me a sad, sad Kyll... er, Murtle. It starts out rhyming, but then it stops, and then it picks up the rhyming later on and I am confused as to whyyy??? Switching between a rhyming scheme and a not-rhyming scheme within a poem is rather tricky to pull off, especially when there's no visual reinforcement from the length of the stanzas the help the switches along by acting as visual cues, and in any case, you only break the rhyme for one stanza. Granted, it's the middle stanza, so the break in rhyming isn't as bad as it could be, but there's still no apparent reason for it, considering there's an almost-oh-so-close rhyme that's only made so by a single word ("but") at the end.
There's also the matter of how your rhythm doesn't always match up. Rhyming poems in particular are heavily dependent on rhythm to work, and so when the rhythm falters, so does the rhyme. One example:
Now, while you've gotten the syllable counts down pat (which is great), the pattern of stresses (also known as the meter) isn't as great. I've bolded the stressed syllables, and as you can see, the pattern is mostly regular, except for a couple of spots, especially in the last line. The pattern of stresses is the sugar to the cake recipe when it comes to rhythm, and without it, it will always feel like something's missing.
Compare to this possible revision:
An irregularity here or there is fine (especially when it's due to words like "and" and "the"), but the majority of the meter should be consistent, and just a little bit of smoothing it out goes a long way. If you can smooth out the meter of the rest of the stanzas, this would make a lovely rhyming poem indeed.
This is such an intresting piece, and very well written. There is alot of imagery which is what makes it so enjoyable. Your rhyme scheme works really well for what the poem is trying to acomplish. I love that you stay in a particular line of thought, rather than jump around (that's something I'm working on so its nice to see a good example
) The only thing is that i would have loved more description of the surrounding as you did farm house. I just want to say this is my favorite stanza "Though it has no name surely someone/ must have loved it long ago,/ and now the lonely valley whispers/ for a name that I don’t know." It really good. Love the piece! 