***I'm not a fan of rhyming couplets, but it was a school assignment so...
My hands reach out to grip the air,
As if the wind is it's soft blue hair,
So gentle her cradle of gravity
But it is not enough for me.
I spread my arms wide and close my eyes,
To join the birds and fireflies.
The world grows small and the sky grows wide;
Above white clouds angels reside.
They smile at me and pass a wink
For they once flew like me, I think.
But moments like this cannot last,
So after hours have come and passed
My feet hit the ground as I try not to cry,
Already longing the taste of the sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I really like this one.
The rhymes easy flow, and even though the poem was short the story was fully told.
Very good! Keep writing, and u should rhyme more often, ur good at it!
xD
You have a good concept here. Now your only problems are the small amounts of metaphor and imagery. It's all quite literal and solid, not much that the reader has to think about. You're spoonfeeding the reader images and ideas, instead of forming them out of words. You need to dig into the emotion more, though that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to use more words. Imagery-wise, it's also quite lacking. You need to magnify the image to the point of finding new connections. You rely on punctuation too much, often ending on commas and such. It makes the vocal reading awkward and stop-and-go.
I really like this poem. The only thing I would change is how the second stanza doesn't rhyme. It is hard to rhyme things with gravity, if you can't think of anything that rhymes with it just change how your sentence is phrased so there is a different word at the end. I like all the rest though, especially when you said "As if the wind is it's soft blue hair". That is rally good imagery!
Keep writing!
-KAH