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Another Lost Generation

by StoryWeaver13

Peace be to all the haters.
They're the content children, pulling
globs of clay from their foundations 
and throwing fits, throwing things on the floor. 
They get what they want -
they get a riot. 

Only the youth die young.
They're bound to iPod earplugs that
act as postnatal umbilical chords, clotting
our heads with ghetto trash and false reasons to rebel.
We get what we want -
individuality and alienation. 

The optimists are the lonely ones;
they're desperately pulling threads
and seeking slack, fingers working overtime 
to make up for being so severely understaffed.
We find fault in the system -
we lose each generation we create. 

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424 Reviews

Points: 8572
Reviews: 424

Thu Jul 19, 2012 10:22 pm
Demoness wrote a review...

Hello Storiee!

Been a while since I reviewed but I came into it today again so lets give it a try :)

First of all, I really, reaaally liked this poem. It is beautiful and brilliant and oh so true! I do however agree on the aspects Tenyo mentioned. Despite some amazing imagery there are a few that seems a little weary, like she said. When it comes to rythm and flow I think you've managed quite well, it doesn't run like water in the mouth but it works. I also, like Tenyo really admire the first lines of each stanza, they truly are brilliant and beautiful and they do make this piece into what it is. Awesome. I would've wanted to know more about each of these three groups though. The Haters, the Youth and the Optimists. I feel like you have an important message to deliver in each of these stanzas but in order to make this one piece you move on too quickly. I would love to read these three stanzas, developed into three individual poems. Not a necessary thing to do of course, but it could be interesting. As it is now, it is still amazing though and all cred to you for writing it. It was a delightful read. Good job!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

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559 Reviews

Points: 29332
Reviews: 559

Thu Jul 19, 2012 1:52 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...

= D I don't actually know what the name is for this genre of poetry but I love it anyway.

To start with the negetive, I don't think this is completely up to scratch, it's brilliant, yes, definatly of a high standard, but though the concepts and ideas are good it lacks somewhat poetically. The image of children 'pulling globs from their foundations' for example, I can understand the metaphor, but I can't really see it. Globs of clay conjours an image in my mind, but by foundations I instantly read it as metaphysical foundations, and so the two seem to clash rather than work together.

I'm not sure if 'ghetto trash' works here. I think maybe because slang varies depending on where you're from. What I know of 'ghetto trash' is that it is an insult to people living in a lower class area, which I'm assuming isn't what you mean but it's what it sounds like, so you always have to be wary with slang.

Also, you say that the earplugs are like postnatal umbilical chords (I like that) but umbilical chords don't fill the head with anything, they provide oxygen and nutrician. I think you could probably rephrase that fourth line to a better suiting example.

"Only the youth die young," oh how I love this line. It's beautiful, and powerful. As is "Peace be to all the haters" and "The optimists are the lonely ones". The sharp contrasts in all of these first lines is what I like most about the poem. It makes each verse stand out and start on a very strong note. I also really like the picture of fingers desperately pulling at threads.

Work on the imagery to make it more poetic, and hold on to the boldness and strength of the ideas in this. And keep up the good work! :)

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)