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139,430 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
The words used personally remind me of what my literature teacher tells me of how broad the writer could be. Poetry is supposed to be like this,its just amazing how the emotion just flows through as I read it. Its really sad though that after all the struggle the persona is left in a world of loneliness but I guess that's how this world operates
Very sweet. I loved this poem very much, you put some love into it. I like that.
There were just a few things I noticed that could possibly help your writing.
First off, I noticed that a few comma's where not where they should be.
In your first stanza, after the line 'pennies from the sidewalk,' you missed a
comma. You should place a comma after ""sidewalk" because when I read it,
I put a pause there, between 'sidewalk' and 'hoping.' The comma there gives
you a place to catch your breath, and also, it's a long sentence - so it acts as
a conjunction. You should place a comma after 'shop' in yours first sentence
of stanza number four, for the same reason. 'After closing shop' is like an
introduction to a new thing, so I automatically put a pause there.
In stanza number six, I got a little confused on the last two lines. '..coins for
a bus ticket OVER to see you...' I'm not sure what you mean by 'over to see you.'
I don't know if it's just because I'm a country girl, or if it really is a mistake,
but I just thought I should point it out either way.
A few more comma tips. In stanza number eight, you missed a few comma's
here and there. After ' hop-scotch grids,' you should place a comma after
'grids,' because in the line after that there isn't really a conjunction. So it is
necessary to put a comma there, or even a period. After' hop around' you
should also place a comma, for the same reason (sort-of.) I automatically put
a comma for a breathe pause there, so I think you should put a comma there as
well.
On your last stanza, I just had a correction to make. Instead of putting 'no
more' then put 'anymore.'
Very good writing piece I like it a lot and I hope you keep writing. You write
well.
It was a moving poem about the experience of a poor person. I can definetely relate. It had a beautiful set up with an attractive flow. It was a little sad but i love every dose of every stance you gave because you did your best. I especially like the rhythm.
This is truly brilliant! :]
Now, I'm not much of a poetry fan (I'm hardly a poet myself xD), but I really, really, REALLY enjoyed this<3
You had several amazing lines:
"I skipped my meals to feed my pockets and pay my way to you,"
"I paid the fare, love, to find that you weren’t there no more."
It's sort of ironic in the sense that that protagonist of the poem, tried so hard, and when they achieved, her/his/its love (interest) wasn't there anymore. Beautiful job!
Keep up the good work!