A park bench can tell a story
This one is all about us
Your hand is entwined in mine
I rest mine on your thigh
We drink coffee late at night
Whispering secrets to each other
You hand me your keys
And engrave them into my heart
You hum to me whilst I sleep
And end up in my dreams
You like the left side of the bed
Guess what?
I do too
I kiss you with my whole body
I barely feel your lips
I hold your heart in my hand
You have your hand around my heart
Gripping tightly with your calluses
You brought flowers home
I don't know why I thought
They were for me
An open suitcase
Empty cupboards
Shouting, screaming and slammed doors
A smashed canvas we painted together
Lying on the bloody floor
Normally we'd whisper
Secrets in the dark
But now all is quiet
I fold inwards
Your keys in my hand
And you still in my heart
An empty house holds a thousand secrets
This one is all about you and me
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello
I really liked this poem! There was such a natural and gradual flow and feeling to this poem, it beautifully captured the start and end of a relationship. I particularly liked how you linked an inanimate object, park bench, with a memory using the line "A park bench can tell a story." And can I just say that I loved loved loved the line, "I kiss you with my whole body, I barely feel your lips." That is such a good line. :p
Anyways, thank you for sharing this and I hope you have a good day. ^^
Hi Nargles! CHRISSY here with a review!
Ok, now for starters, this is beautiful! The beginning, the way it is worded, and just how delicate it is. I notice that you seem to write quite a few love works, so I can only imagine how experienced you are! This is just really great! Ok, now to point out a line that I admire, because of it's just pure beauty:
"A park bench can tell a story
This one is all about us"
This was a great way to start this poem, and it kinda made me want to read more! In my mind I was just thinking, like the many times the people in this poem may have just been on that bench, and made memories there! This was just beautiful, and a kinda genius move there!
Ok, now there was just one thing I would fix, but that is only because I did not know if it was supposed to be there... :
" You hum to me whilst I sleep"
I do not know if that was just some cool word you found to use, or if it was a typo. (I have not heard of the word 'whilst' before) Either way it does sound kinda cool, but I could not help but wonder if it was a typo or not!
Ok, now for the end, I think that was great! I had to read this poem once or twice though just to really 100% understand it. How the love turns into this big fight, the canvas on the bloody floor, just made me gasp! This was another great move! Just the way you ended it, it was so mysterious! I really stuck with me, and had an effect, which I know can be really hard! Great Job! *Applauds*
Overall, this was just so great- and I loved it! Keep writing!
Hey! Thanks heaps for the review.
'Whilst' is a word that means exactly the same and 'while' it is mainly used in Britian I think. It jut sounded better to me than while, and helped the flow of the poem more. So, there you go, not a made up word!
I'm glad you liked the poem. Xx
No problem! Thanks for sharing!
Hey Nargles!
So, I like the idea behind this poem. I like that it traces the entire path of a relationship between beginning to end; I didn't see it coming (which is always a good thing for your reader!). While showing the rise and fall of a relationship is nothing new, you manage to make it interesting enough for me to not only want to keep reading but to remember the story behind the poem afterwards.
However, there is some imagery (mostly in the second half) that doesn't make much sense to me and I feel like could be expanded upon. For instance, when your narrator refers to the flowers, the reader understands that his lover cheated on him, but it's jarring and comes out of nowhere. The several references to blood also unnerved me as well. I get that they're fighting, but did it really get that physical?
Good work, and best of luck! Give me a shout if you have any questions.