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by Nargles

 I was spending a bit of time thinking about God and religion. Would love it if you could review it!

Confusion sweeps through my mind
I try to act not so surprised.
The meaning of why I’m here
Is slowly drifting further away.
I wonder if there’s a God
If that’s what I want.
I just can’t make myself believe
In what for some is plain to see.
I laugh, I cry I dream all night
But for what I can’t decide.
My feelings are all jumbled up,
Anger, love and hatred piled inside.
Seeking for the truth of life.

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318 Reviews

Points: 10870
Reviews: 318

Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:44 am
Abigail_W. wrote a review...

Hi Nargles,

You have a very good basis for a poem here. However, the feelings you describe are so universal that they could almost be seen as cliche. You might try working on showing, not telling. You say what you're feeling, but we've all been there and felt it. You need to add something more to the poem than just what you feel, you need to SHOW how you feel it. I hope this makes sense, and good luck!

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114 Reviews

Points: 2830
Reviews: 114

Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:56 pm
Butterfinger wrote a review...

I love the idea of this poem. I really think you've got something great in the making! What I wanted more of is some expansion on the confusing jumbled thoughts you say there is. It's stated, but not built upon. What's makes the feelings worth writing about? Is the seeking just a mere glance about you or is it a burning desire? I know if start from the bare idea of it, then we will be blown out of the water! PM me if this isn't clear enough :) I'd love to read more!

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129 Reviews

Points: 914
Reviews: 129

Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:43 am
WaitingForLife wrote a review...


Before I say anything, I have to state that I'm not truly a believer, so I perhaps haven't as much emotional connection with this poem. The metaphysical questions here do apply to pretty much everyone at some point in their lives, though, so with that I can relate.

My favorite lines are:

"I wonder if there's a God
If that's what I want."

simply because that is a question I've had in mind a couple of times. If there is a God, would that really be in our best interests? I don't want to get all metaphysical and shizz (partly because I'm not very good at it), but the idea of an all-knowing, all-loving being who watches over us is at the same time comforting and quite uncomfortable.

As all of that^ certifies, this is a poem people can most probably relate to. Now, I've some punctuation changes I'd like you to think about.

"Confusion sweeps through my mind;
I try to act not so surprised."

"I wonder if there’s a God,
If that’s what I want."

"I laugh, I cry, I dream all night"

"My feelings are all jumbled up -
Anger, love and hatred piled inside,
Seeking for the truth of life."

If you see weird B's in brackets, it means I failed my attempt at bolding the words and I apologize. :D The punctuation bolded (or inside bracketed B's) are my suggestions on a sounder punctuation.

Argh, totally unrelated, but I can't seem to see your title without thinking of the pokemon Seaking... It's really frustrating :D None of the blame on your side, not to worry, just me and my mind.

Fish pokemon aside, I find this a nice and easily followable account of your jumbled up feelings. Sure, there could be more abstract concepts and metaphors and what-not, but not every poem needs that. I liked it.

Your's truly,

You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor