You wait for the rain
To wash your doubts away.
But all that comes are the hollow shells
Of quilt and pain.
You wait for the sun
So your love will sprout.
But all that comes is the shade
That wilts your heart.
So, you wait for the day
When lightning will strike
And cut open your frail mind.
But all that comes is constant decay.
You wait for the rainstorm,
the fog and the snow.
To cleanse the pain you own.
But all that comes
Is weather.
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128,247 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hey Nargles.
Quick word on the formatting; try pressing shift+enter for line breaks, and enter for stanza breaks.
Ok, so poem. I see where you're going here, but you can improve. You have the right sort of idea with the imagery, and linking in different sorts of weather and stuff, and that's cool. But you're lacking the real richness and punch that separates good poetry from the rest. Check this:
This is a stanza from a famous poem by T.S. Eliot, called The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock (commonly know as just 'Prufrock'). Notice the way he describes the fog. He doesn't just mention the fog and move on, he really digs in and explores the elements of the fog. Detail. Pools in drains, soot from chimneys, smokey, sleepy, stalking around like a cat. It's this sort of description and imagery that really sets a poem apart. Try taking your images of the rain and sun and snow and lightning and stuff, and describe them in this sort of vivid detail. People say modern poetry is about imagery, and they're right. But imagery is so much more than just simple listing and description. You have to paint a picture with words. I would recommend reading some more of Eliot's poetry, and other dudes who hung around his time like Ezra Pound and E.E. Cummings and closely studying the way they deploy imagery for emotional effect.
Hope this helps,
K.
Hello Nargles! As the World Cup Review Day has begun, I'm here to review, review, review for the Commonwealth team!
This poem, while I'll never entirely understand something so deep, is nearly perfect. The rhythm flows nicely, and the words all fit together. I like how you keep mentioning form of precipitation and such, tying in with the title and last line.
Happy World Cup and New Year!
yubbies21
Ah, poetry, such sweet poetry! This is perfect to read since there is some bad weather going down where I'm living. This is, also, very depressing as it shows some grim references to death and darkness.
"When lightning will strike
And cut open your frail mind.
But all that comes is constant decay.
You wait for the rainstorm,
the fog and the snow.
To cleanse the pain you own.
But all that comes
Is weather."
Now this was my favorite part as it shows a more depressing side of the story.
I really like and hope to find more of your works.
Hi Nargles.
I like your idea. I'll give you two suggestions though.
Something is missing there. I think "Wilts your -adjective- heart" would help the flow of the line.
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In the first line, I would delete the "So", because without it, it would sound stronger and more secure.
That's it. Nice poem.
-Valo
Review time!
Firstly, I love this poem, and after seeing your comment below about formatting, I could read it way easier. (Not that it was hard to before but you know)
You've done a great job here, your words have a lot of meaning behind them and I just love your wording!
The only thing I'd suggest improving is perhaps changing:
"But all that comes is the shade
That wilts your heart."
To maybe...
"But all that comes is the shade
Wilting your heart."
And I really like your last few lines too, but I think it sounds a bit... awkward when you say it? Like, the pause between "is" and "weather."
Maybe change it to:
"But all that comes
is weather"
As there's a natural pause at the end of the line, and the weather just gets lost some how.
But those are just my personal opinions! You've done a great poem here, and I can't wait to read more of your work. A like, review and follow from me, I love it!
-CFG
I'm having trouble formatting it properly. There are meant to be a space after every 4 lines. The last stanza is 5 lines long.