Two hundred and thirty days ago
-you told me you loved me as you soothed the broken promises out of my hair.
making me believe that all it took to hold a persons soul in your hand
was a few whispered words and a secret garden filled with dreams.
Two hundred and sixteen days ago
-autumn is no saint, crushing the petals that fell from my wilting mind,
as you caressed my cheeks and wiped away the filth of my lies.
hate is a strong word and one used not enough,
but love is even stronger and one I've screamed far too much.
One hundred and seventy two days ago
-your house was cascading in vines, climbing up my heart and into my life,
implanting a weed that tears bricks and paths apart.
watering cans seared into my weeds.
browning roses and dying orchids never stood a chance.
One hundred and five days ago
-fire burns the brightest, i knew that the day i watched the daffodils
glisten like the sun had come to earth to greet them.
but no sun rays were seen that day or ever after,
only charcoal pieces of my heart scattered before you.
Eighty one days ago
-the fire burnt on, day and night, ripping down my plum trees,
my cherry orchids and my bruised and battered loved.
overturned birdbaths and roses slowly
fading from red to dust, a cruelty too far gone.
Twenty nine days ago
-but i wont paint the roses red, even if you told me,
because some things are better left as they come.
let the roses fade and die because
no tainted illusions will fix my garden up.
3 days ago
-you told me you loved me as you tore the soul from my body.
making me believe that all it took you to hold my bloody soul in you fist
were broken promises. and i don't believe in a secret garden anymore.
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139,852 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hey Retro here for a review!
I'll do some nitpick sort of things, then talk about what I liked, okay?
Right first thing I want to discuss is your form. Now, I'm one for difference and interesting form but I'm not sure this works. I like how they all work as different stanzas but I think you should make them more stanza-esque. Especially since what you're talking about can be fragmented in a way and that would nicely reflect your themes
Onto other things!
'the broken promises out of my hair'
Now you use hair again at the end and I don't really get it. I feel as though it has some deep and meaningful message but I can't figure it out. I would maybe suggest making it more apparent with what you mean here
'watering cans seared into my weeds, browning roses and dying orchids never stood a chance.'
I like the imagery here but it doesn't quite flow right. It feels like two different sentences. Watering cans seared into my weeds, browning roses and dying orchads. They never stood a chance. I think writing something more like that would be more hard hitting in terms of message and help the flow a lot
Right onto what I liked, well loved. I think you have some frankly beautiful imagery here, in particular your second stanza. The last line there blew me away, it is a very powerful image. I love all the different notions. I really like how you showed it as a progression of time and we see the worsening mindset of the speaker of the poem.
Overall this is a great job, I really enjoyed reading it.
*Liked*
Here if you need me,
~Retro
Thanks for the review. For me I included the idea of hair, because a person will smooth your hair to reassure you or as an act of love, but here the person is smooths the hair in a way that isn't exactly gentle. For me, the way a person will treat your hair shows the way a person thinks about you and the relationship you have with them.
hmmmm, well I can see that in relation to how you use it in the first stanza. But at the end where you say tore the heart out of my hair, I don't know it just seems a little off. I get what you mean about reasuuring and what have you, but I think you may need to bulk it up a touch
Fair enough, I'll play around. Would you mind if I showed you some variations maybe?
No, by all means
It's lovely! You describe emotions so beautifully and it really put me in the position of the character.
Just two things to work on. Watch out for when you need capital letters and I noticed you put 'to' instead of 'too'. I'm not sure how to do this, but having the time count sort of pulled my attention away from the gorgeous words. Maybe use some other technique of showing that time has passed, or somehow expand on your paragraphs.
Overall though, I love it. I think this would make an absolutely fantastic poem without the dates.
Thanks for the comment. I made a deliberate choice not to capitalise because I don't have to. Also, could you mind pointing out where I made a mistake using the wrong 'to'. When I edited I fixed one, but may have missed another.
Thanks for the mention about the count, I understand what you mean about it.
No problem
It's on 81 days ago.
Thank you!