Sorrow

Hi im vampy!
Ok so i read this, and right away i felt the emotion. The sadness of the words and all of their meanings.
I liked how you made it sound like trying so hard to escape the darkness, but you cant just seem to grab the light. It keeps slipping from your hands.
I also like how said your stuck. That your trying but you cant break free from this place your in. How you want so badly to be sent free but you cant. It also sounds like your fighting all the things inside of your head too, like your having a war with yourself.
The part i liked most though was...
"Death, suffocating me.
Help, why don't you, please?"
It like you cant get free, and every thing is surrounding and you're begging for help! i loved this, and i would say that most people could at least once in their life relate to this!

Nargee, dear, sorry for the very late review! I'll just double my effort of giving a better review! Here I am!

So, the title. Short sweet and to the point. It's a simple title, a quite common one, too, but it still tells much about the piece. On the form, the freedom of the verses makes a great scaffold for the theme. A sorrowful person has no time for measurement, right? Motifs are very apparent, too, which I think is very good. Most of the words which start verses are human emotions which more or less interrelate with each other. Theme, you stuck with it. Two kudos up. I'm really happy with how you made the first and third on the similar form. Start with a word, then describe it. It's a good effect, I say. Plus the way you organized the words, it's very poetic. Kudos on that

Now the negas. Well, it's actually more on the flow of the poem. The three stanzas are of the same theme, yes, but there is but a very loose coherence among their individual ideas. The tone, too. The lines also jumps from one idea to another quickly, so they're very misleading. The first stanza focuses on how down the speaker is, how lost he is in darkness, but you ended it with a question on why is life hard. Then you hop onto escaping, then a plea for help. Some of the lines doesn't exemplify these ideas much. On the other page of the review book, the second line of the second stanza breaks the pattern ! I know it won't matter much on the whole, but hey, it can make the piece better rhythm-wise.

My final verdict: Three kudos and two smiles!

It's very good as a stand alone poem. The emotions seer on it averagely. If you can use more words to describe and let your readers FEEL that emotion, then better. Also, seeing the coherence of the lines can really help if you'd like to edit it once again.

Good luck writing!

Your Kudos reviewer,
Alf

beautiful! unfortunately I'm no good at critiquing poems, all I can say is that I love it! I can't wait to see more of your work.

Very interesting! It seems like you wrote this trying to connect with a bad time.

"Forever stuck between light and dark,
Trying to find my way out."

These lines don't really go with the feeling of the poem very well. In fact, they almost completely ruin the feeling. But at the same time, these are my two favorite lines, so I don't think you should delete them. What I would do is rewrite them so that they fit with the rest of the poem better.

Perhaps something like:

"Forever caught between light and dark,
Searching, clawing, fighting to free my mind,
Trying desperately to find my way out."

It doesn't sound much better that way, but it is a bit longer and so flows better. Perhaps it'll give you an idea for improving it.

Its a meaningful poem that was a little depressing. I can relate to it. I guess you can say that "its so beautiful it makes me cry" in a way that it just gives off a sad feeling.

Hello Nargles!

I love your poem! One thing I would suggest is you look at the line:

Forever stuck between light and dark

Beautiful piece of poetry, stuck somewhere between rhythmic and repetitive, but amazing nonetheless, kind of reminds me of a piece I wrote. Anyways, only one grammatical thing I picked up:

"Help, why don’t you please?"

Try: "Help, why don’t you, please?"

This isn't exactly an error, I just thought it would make more sense written in this way. I love the way how the lines begin with strong, emotive nouns, it delivers a huge amount of passion into the poem.

I can't really criticise this piece, which I hate admitting , but I can't fully sum up how good I found this poem, keep up the good work!

As for a name, maybe something like 'Help' or 'Sorrow', or another noun that is very emotional, I think it would match the pattern of this piece.

DNX out