The dancing boy

by Nargles

Published July 28, 2012

In poetry

Hey I want to centre this but don't know how could someone help please! Also reveiw :)


He climbs up over the green hill
To face the sweeping plain.
A smile lingers on his face,
A twinkle flickers in his eyes.
 
As he steps onto the plain
The fire in his stomach soars.
He stands, raises his hands and
Begins a beautiful dance.
 
He swirls and glides, gazing at the sky,
Heart beating in his chest so bright.
No thought or care, just the
Dance.
 
It is a dance of life, and all it offers:
Love; so sweat and heartbreaking,
Anger; so frightening and unexpected,
Happiness; that thing we yearn for.
 
He continues that routine for hours,
Reminding him of another day,
When he didn’t have to wipe
The tears away.
 
Life grows in his soul,
Hope creeps under his skin,
Happiness slowly sinks in.
He starts to feel at peace.
 
The sun sets, life forgets.
The world sleeps, many dream.
But he remembers and is
Unable to stop for fear of...
Loss.
 
Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review Review · Aug 1, 2012

Overall, I really liked this. It's a good story and you have some lovely imagery. However, I do have a couple nitpicks.

First off, the first word of each line is capitalized. This is a matter of taste, but I think it looks strange, especially with the one word lines. I'd consider only capitalizing the beginnings of each sentence.

Secondly, this stanza looks clunky and doesn't have the rhythm of the rest of the piece.

It is a dance of life, and all it offers:
Love; so sweat and heartbreaking,
Anger; so frightening and unexpected,
Happiness; that thing we yearn for.


I think it looks strange because of the misused semicolons and the overuse of adjectives. I might rephrase this as actions, e.g. "The anger that frightens". This would make it stronger and fit in better with the poem.

Lastly, I agree with Noelle. The heart beating bright thing seemed strange to me. Perhaps it can pound or something else more fitting a heart?

That said, I really enjoyed this piece. This was my favorite stanza.

Life grows in his soul,
Hope creeps under his skin,
Happiness slowly sinks in.
He starts to feel at peace.

Nargles replied · Aug 2, 2012

Thanks for the review, it was really helpful! :)

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2012

Hi there!

Here's how you center it:

type your poem here

You need to use those codes around your poem. Make sense?

First I'd like to say that I like the way this is written. I like poems that tell a story. It makes it more interesting. Not that other poems are boring, but I sometimes get an overload of emotions at once. Know what I mean?

He climbs of did you mean 'up'? over the green hill
To face the sweeping plain. great imagery here
A smile lingers on his face,
A twinkle flickers in his eyes.

As he steps onto the plain
The fire in his stomach soars.
He stands, raises his hands and
Begins a beautiful dance.

He swirls and glides, facing the sky, I think you should say 'He swirls and glides, gazing at the sky'. I don't know, to me this sounds like he dancing while laying down on the ground. It just doesn't sound right
Heart beating in his chest so bright. can a heart beat bright?
No thought or care, just the
Dance.

It is a dance of life, and all it offers:
Love; so sweat and heartbreaking. I think you should put a comma here as well as after the next line. You're still describing the idea of the dance so it should all go together
Anger; so frightening and unexpected.
Happiness; that thing we yearn for.

He continues that routine for hours,
Reminding him of another day,
When he didn’t have to wipe
The tears away.

Life grows in his soul,
Hope creeps under his skin,
Happiness slowly sinks in.
He starts to feel the at peace.

The sun sets, life forgets.
The world sleeps, many dream.
But he remembers and is
Unable to stop for fear of...
Loss.


Overall this is a good poem. I give it a 5/6. I think you should go back and really play with the punctuation and capitalization, work the flow of it all. You capitalized every line and you don't need to do that. If you vary your punctuation as well, you can create a certain rhythm. Try it out.

Keep writing! :)
**Noelle**

Noelle replied · Jul 28, 2012

Oops...the code to make it center didn't show up. Here's the link for codes to use on the site: viewtopic.php?f=153&t=94459 There's a bunch here.

Thanks for the review. I still can't seem to centre it but will try. It's probably just me. :)

Noelle replied · Jul 29, 2012

Maybe. The codes are tricky though, it took me a while to get them



All the turtles are related.
— Jack Hanna