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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hey Nargles!
This is a simple poem, two stanzas long, with strong emotional appeal! I agree with all that Hannah has to say, so I'm going to try not to repeat things, but rather, to expand on some points.
So the first thing that sort of goes hand to hand with imagery is going to be : precision. The appeal of short poetry is not necessarily the simplicity, even though simplicity itself is aesthetically pleasing in a minimal way (and this piece definitely has that element to it!), but the appeal of short story comes from using the *best* words in the *best* order -- an economy of word, perse. It's about cutting out all of your many, many $1 dollar words that anyone can find -- and replacing them with one or two $10 dollar words that engages and tantalizes us.
So for example, this poem begins with two lines:
and these two lines do things! they 1) set the scene, 2) set the tone. So the speaker has a shut door, which can represent sense of trying to guard herself against the outside, or trying to shut herself in from the outside. I like this concept a lot because it immediately gives us the conflict of the piece. The 'bends her head' phrase sort of serves to root the context and give us that melancholy/depressed mood. The next line /struggling with every breath/ shows us her pain, as opposed to telling us she's in pain (though, you go to telling us she's in pain in the third line, which I suggest you just cut out from the poem completely, as you already say as much in the second line, much more effectively)
Now compare those lines with lines like this:
These are 10 words that sort of describe her heartache/pain in a dramatic way, but that is all its purpose. It doesn't really do things as much as your first lines did. It's akin to telling us that it's raining, as opposed to giving us the experience of being rained upon. Compare the above line to:
black lies choke her
4 words, same sentiments. It's all about maintaining a crispness and an economy in the language used!
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Oh my gosh. Shockingly sad.
First of all, please don't capitalize the beginning of every line. Punctuation poetry the way you would prose unless you're specifically playing with the punctuation.
I have to say the rhyme is doing pretty well here. It's not consistent, but I'm okay with that.
The thing I'm not so okay with is the lack of any imagery. This is all fluffy abstract speech about philosophy. And one thing I think about poetry is that it needs to be a blend of imagery, plot, and philosophy to really hit the reader with satisfaction. We need philosophy to think about, plot to organize our thoughts, and imagery to keep us anchored in reality instead of floating off into thought that will float away just as quickly.
You have a very floaty poem here. I can't sink my teeth into it because when I do it turns into vapor. Later, I might not remember that I read it, even if I feel a little bit now. So what can you do? Well, you can highlight the physical story that's going on here. I think there was an event that led to the clouds, and giving a slightly more concrete hint would help highlight that. Along with that, more imagery would make this feel more vivid and alive. Use images that highlight the theme and emotion you're working to: despair and withering and the release of withered things in the clouds.
Hopefully this review is helpful~ PM me if you have any questions or comments about it!
Good luck and keep writing. c:
Hello Nargles. Jordin here to write a review for you my team and your work. I hope it is of some use to you in your writing.
Well... this was amazing totally amazing but you need just a tiny little bit more punctuation it may make it a little better.
Also this is a tiny thing I have seen some more famous poems and they have every letter in the beginning on a line capitalized.
Keep writing and good luck.
Until later good bye.
~Jon~
First of all! Gr8 efforts.
While writing a poem you need to keep a few things in mind.
Its not necessary to rhyme poems but if you do it must have a proper rhyme scheme. The proper rhyme scheme is
A
B
A
B
OR
A
A
B
B
And you can check the internet for more rhyming schemes.
I Felt this line to be little awkward :-
"Her heart aches with a thousand pains"
It could have been more of like
With thousand pains her heart ached.
Cause that seems more poetic type.
While writing a poem you have the freedom to change the way of grammar to make it more fun and interesting to read.
This line also did not seem quite matching.
I Could not keep up with the poem
pieces put back to fill the empty hole.
The hole of a lifetime not yet lived
So, Keep Going.