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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hey there! First of all, I love your username. This simply had to be said beforehand.
Second, I realize that this is somewhat of an older poem, and while I personally tend to be frustrated when people criticize "older" works of mine, I happened to really like the title and was curious and wanted to read it. So.
This is a cute poem and I think there's a bit of wistfulness in its personality. Although it's a stylistic preference, I do wish that you would include punctuation for the sake of knowing when to start and stop, but that is entirely up to you. I think that you're a bit stifled by the rhyme scheme, and some places are certainly rough around the edges where you were clearly trying to cram the rhyme scheme into the poem and make it work. As a result, the rhythm is also thrown off in a line here and there.
My final thought was that this poem lacked any real depth or metaphor, that while it was a pleasant image it really wasn't SAYING anything, and I think that it's important to ask yourself why you're writing a poem - what is the general idea or message you are trying to convey? I felt that one was lacking in this, and as a result, while I enjoyed reading it, it seemed a bit unsatisfying.
In any case, I sincerely love poems about the ocean or anything related, and this was written pretty well, so I did really enjoy this. I think I'll go over and read some of your more recent works, seeing as that's probably more beneficial to you, but I just thought I'd share my two cents!
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Wow! I was just about to logoff when I saw you reviewed this. I'm flattered, I mean this is the first piece of poetry I ever wrote, so thank you. Yes, the rhyme, I have always stayed away from rhyme, and this is why. It is not be strength. Anyway thanks for the review.
I like this, it's fresh, original, and kept my attention.
But, please please please use punctuation!
"The Seagulls are all a flutter
Dancing around on the sand
After some fish covered in batter
One takes a chip from my hand"
Besides the lack of punctuation, this verse has an awkward feeling. You should try to eliminate that, because this is your opening verse and it sets the stage for your entire work.
"Oh, those seagulls I can’t tolerate
I scream and shout with great haste
For my fish they won’t take
Never will they get it to taste"
The last lines feel a little odd. "For my fish they can not take, Never will they get a taste" or something similar would fit better.
"Finally I can go to sleep
On the golden sand I lay
Waves washing up near my feet
In this now peaceful bay"
This has a pretty feeling to it, but I feel as if you should be conveying a feeling of tiredness throughout the poem. Otherwise, you just randomly fall asleep, and I'm left wondering where the tiredness and desire to sleep came from. This is your closing verse, so make it strong so that the reader is left with a feeling of overall satisfaction. Your opening and closing verses are the most important, and I'm left feeling as if it's still imcomplete.
"They swarm away from my sight
High away in the sky
Oh, to an extreme height
Away and away they fly"
I really love this verse!
Again, I really enjoyed it, but there's a feeling of overall awkwardness that can easily be eliminated by correcting grammar and punctuation and rephrasing things to make them fit better. Overall, I'd give it a 7/10.
Keep up the good work!
Rose
I like this, it's fresh, original, and kept my attention.
But, please please please use punctuation!
"The Seagulls are all a flutter
Dancing around on the sand
After some fish covered in batter
One takes a chip from my hand"
Besides the lack of punctuation, this verse has an awkward feeling. You should try to eliminate that, because this is your opening verse and it sets the stage for your entire work.
"Oh, those seagulls I can’t tolerate
I scream and shout with great haste
For my fish they won’t take
Never will they get it to taste"
The last lines feel a little odd. "For my fish they can not take, Never will they get a taste" or something similar would fit better.
"Finally I can go to sleep
On the golden sand I lay
Waves washing up near my feet
In this now peaceful bay"
This has a pretty feeling to it, but I feel as if you should be conveying a feeling of tiredness throughout the poem. Otherwise, you just randomly fall asleep, and I'm left wondering where the tiredness and desire to sleep came from. This is your closing verse, so make it strong so that the reader is left with a feeling of overall satisfaction. Your opening and closing verses are the most important, and I'm left feeling as if it's still imcomplete.
"They swarm away from my sight
High away in the sky
Oh, to an extreme height
Away and away they fly"
I really love this verse!
Again, I really enjoyed it, but there's a feeling of overall awkwardness that can easily be eliminated by correcting grammar and punctuation and rephrasing things to make them fit better. Overall, I'd give it a 7/10.
Keep up the good work!
Rose
Why are you writing about seagulls?
Nice.
Interesting.