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I like it, but I agree with the previous review, taking out 'from' in the second stanza the second to last line just may make it flow better I think.
But otherwise I think this is great, I really enjoyed it!
~Fantasy
Hi Narles! I like the poem but I think it might be better if it was split into a few more stanzas? Although I do like short poems too. I didn't see any spelling mistakes, and the punctuation made sense where it was.
My suggestions:
2nd stanza 2nd to last line if you took out the word "from". "Escape" would rhyme better with "face" and "break". Somthing to think about, although I can see where you might want to keep "from" to build allitteration with "face" and "fear".
Other than that I like the repetion of the line "that lonely girl" and the consistant mood of kind of dark and crumbling. But I think it might sound better to not have the words "mind" and "broke" so much because I don't think these word's repetion adds as much. Then again, that's only my opinion, and I still like the poem
I look forward to reading your next poem, happy holidays!
~Alli-y~
Thanks heaps for your review. I sort of get where you're going at with the repetition but I'm sort of hesitant to change it. For me it shows the fact that what's in her mind is breaking her the most. Thanks though!
Merry Christmas!
Hey, I'm Rylee to review your poem
I wen through and read a few of the other poems you've posted, and I must say this isn't quite as good as they are.
That said, I'll be more precise in explaining why.
The topic is a bit stereotypical and cliched, and the rhythm is difficult to impossible to feel at times. The flow feels forced to nonexistant and the rhyme scheme is restrictive, taking away from rather than adding to the poem.
Sorry to be harsh. I really do like your poems, and I think with some more work your poetry could be even better.
Keep writing!
--Rylee
hey thanks, don't worry about being harsh. Everyone needs criticism. I will take on board what you said.
Very nice piece. The idea your trying to express was well chosen and written. I have to say the only thing a tad off was your fluidity. The line in particular that stopped its flow was "That damage her heart every night." too many syllabuls in the line. I would suggest changing it to each instead of every (but that is just my opinion) It could also do with a little imagry but you have alot of emotion and feeling that make it a great poem. I enjoyed reading it and reviewing this piece!