You hear the music down below
and the poison seeps through your bones.
You are alone.
Tears blur the thin line between
death and life.
You're unable to tell which one you
most would like.
You are alone.
Power consumes all our damaged souls.
No resting till it has eaten you whole.
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139,852 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hey there! This is my first review so just have some patience with me here. I liked how this poem flowed. It shows great meaning, I would love to see more of your work! ( I'll probably go ahead and do that soon.) Keep up the good work though! Overall only one verse bothered me. Perhaps it's because you're trying to be different?
"You're unable to tell which one you
most would like"
I think it would look better if you wrote,
"you're unable to tell which one
you would like most"
But I mean you don't have to change it. It's just a genuine suggestion. I'm not all about criticism, I absolutely loved the last verse. Cause it's true. So honestly, I enjoyed this little poem of yours.
Take care,
disheartedallure22
I like this poem it has a really great deep meaning behind it. This poem makes me assume that you have experience writing poems. It sounds like it's written by a professional poet! I love it.
Hey!
I liked the poem, it has good rhythm.
My favorite line is ''Tears blur the thin line between death and life.''. It's a really effective metaphor.
I'm not a specialist in poetry form, but I think it would flow nicer if you formatted the 4th verse like this:
''You're unable to tell which one
you most would like.''
As far as the last verse is concerned, I would choose a different word instead of ''power''. Power can have both positive and negative connotations, so I'd use something strictly negative for a stronger impact. Maybe you didn't mean power in sort of a 'mystical trigger' sense, but in the sense of ability, in which case it would seem a bit contradictory.
All in all, I liked it.
Cheers,
Moment
This poem is about how people do aweful, devious things, and are left behind by everyone they love, everyone they hate, everyone the admire, they are never the same. people can hold grudges easily, so dont make them. Don't make them do something that they regret. Sorry, I see really deep meanings in poems. Sometimes deeper tha the outher themself.
Grerat poem though.