If I Could

Fantastic poem! Loved it!

Hey Nargles, Shauzer here reviewing
I thought this poem was deep. I guess deepness was kind of what this poem was all about. It's sad, I don't know how. It should be happy, but the tone was sad. That was a nice touch, if intentional. I liekd the idea, and how strongly the main character feels about this person. It makes you curious, drags you in so you want to see how it ends, it's how every true love poem should be. There were some things I didn't really like though, for example when you say 'But i can't paint a picture, so I won't tell you what it says,' Then on the next line you proceed to tell us what it says. I don't know if this is intentional and it annoys me. And if you painted a picture, why would you need to tell the person what it said? If you loved them so much each stroke should speak for itself. Maybe you could have said

'If I could paint a picture the strokes would let you know,

let you know how much I love you, and that I never want it to end.'

Just an idea, I think it sounds better and is less confusing, by your portfolio I can see you're an experienced poet, so I think you know that if you have to read back over something it takes away the overall experience Other than this though, i really did like this poem. i found it enticing, passionate, full of emotion. And I think the flow was mostly perfect too. Kudos, keep putting this much emotion into your poems and you'll be very successful, in my opinion.
Just read back over them first, think of better ways to word the things that just don't sound right, that's the best advice I could give you, based on this poem.
Keep writing.
Yours in ink,
TS.

hey,
first of all i want to say very nice poem, i really liked it
it's what we all feel, the love that we wish for
i liked some lines
like
"It'd say how much I love you, and that I never want it to end.

and
"Nor can I write a novel, so don't make me giveaway the end,

With my hand clasped around your neck, hoping that there is an end."
keep writting and good luck

Hey!

i won't pick on the formatting, as you've mentioned the reason, although personally I don't think it's that bad. it doesn't affect the reading of the work and that's the main thing.
As for the content, you've got an interesting idea here.
I like the opening line: 'If I could paint a picture I'ld tell you what it said.' Cos i think there is a certain level of desperation in this piece and that captures it perfectly.

'The tune of a hundred lifetimes spent only with you.' This line is really romantic. I love it. ♥

This also seems really sad: And I can't sing a song, so I won't sing to you the tune, ' and reminds me of the Beatles. Lulz. But that's great too.

i just really like this piece. I can't fault it. Apart from maybe the fact that you've got some punctuation missing at certain points and that's a little awkward when reading.

Loved it.

keep writing

~BSF