Scattered mind

Hi there, I'm Lilcanich, and I will be reviewing your poem today. Normally I review by stanza, but seeing as though this poem is only one stanza long, I will review it in 4 line clusters and the final line on its own, as that seems to be where each image stops, and a new one begins. Anyways, on with the review:

"My mind was scattered
Like leaves in autumn
And nobody was there to
Rake it up into a neat pile."

This opening verse of the poem comes out full force. No buildup, right to the point, and I love it. The simile of your mind to the likeness of the leaves on the ground is a great comparison, and leaves it open to much deeper over analysis than what is written. No one was there to rake your mind, or scattered thoughts, back into order. This is the beginning of the author's descent into insanity. As I said before, great opening.

"My mind was being infected
By your scent and your eyes,
Piercing into my sweet little
Heart, unable to stop it."

Keeping with the pattern of "My mind...", the second "stanza" gives the reader an explanation as to the narrator's emotional state. The new "love interest" of the poem lends itself to slight objection by the readers, who may wonder why the narrator loves this person if they cause such a conflict in the narrator's mind. I love the use of imagery, not just in the visual of the character, but by adding dimension to them. Their smell infects the narrator's mind. Very well written thus far.

"My mind was dying
Ahead of its time
Being killed by jealousy
And nonsensical crimes."

In this verse, the narrator now has a conflict not within, but with the character, possibly because the character already is in a relationship? The nonsensical crimes could possibly be a way for the narrator to gain the attention of the character, as their mind is slowly deteriorating and falling into the abyss. As their mind dies, Ahead of its time, the author spirals out of control and eventually fades to nothing.

"My mind has died."

As anyone who reads poetry knows, when a single line, or a whole verse for that matter, stands out from the rest of the poem, it holds high significance. Significance both in the eyes of reader and writer. Therefore, the narrator's decision to announce that their mind has died with no real preparation to the audience is a shock to the reader, but a welcomed one. This final verse sums up your entire poem quite cleanly and concisely, with the same intensity that your poem had from its beginning.

I did not really critique much about you poem, because there we not many mistakes I could find. I truly enjoyed reading your poem, and I hope you continue to write.

If you have any questions/comments/concerns/flames feel free to reply or PM me.

~Lilcanich

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

Hello! I'll be reviewing your poem today
Firstly i love this poem, its very creative and has an interesting story, i also like the imagery you've included. This will be a short review as i haven't got much to say on it but i will however make some suggections which you might want to take into consideration.

In your stanza you have a capital letter for a word that is in the same sentence e.g.


"Piercing into my sweet little
Heart, unable to stop it."

This is just an example because its the general trend throughout your poem, it reads slightly awkwardly because you use a capital letter, like its the start of a new sentence which can be a bit confusing.

The start is good but just a suggestion would be saying "My mind is scattered".
This is a nit pick but instead of saying "And nobody was there to", how about "And noone was there to"... the word noone just seems to flow better.

Also splitting up the poem into stanzas would look better for presentation.

"My mind was dying
Ahead of its time
Being killed by jealousy
And nonsensical crimes."

This was my favourite part of your poem it gave a deep meaning of the struggles of the mind. It's brilliant.

Overall great poem hope i helped and keep up the good writing!

-Infinity x

Hello There.......
The poem is very great! Niteowl made some good points on how to make the poems better, just some punctuation insertions every here and there. Also I would recommend making the line at the very end another stanza by putting some figurative language in there. Hope I helped!

Hello!

I really liked your poem, being related to it, actually. But stanzas can make it look...cleaner? Like:

My mind was scattered
Like leaves in autumn
And nobody was there to
Rake it up into a neat pile.

My mind was being infected
By your scent and your eyes,
Piercing into my sweet little
Heart, unable to stop it.

My mind was dying
Ahead of its time
Being killed by jealousy
And nonsensical crimes.

My mind has died.

And I really don't know why "My mind has died" was there. But I liked it.

Happy reading! and Writing, too!

I really like this poem. It's short, but effective, and I like some of the similes you've used too. I also love the very last line; the way it's seperated from the others really makes it stand out. A nice little piece of work. Well done!

Hi Nargles.

You're a wonderful poet, I must say. I've read your other poetry and it's lovely. I'm here to drop you a quick review, because I don't really have a lot to say. Let's talk about the title~ I've read that what is grammatically correct when it comes to the title is to Capitalize the first letter of every words (excluding the prepositions). Also, I want to suggest you something really silly (personal opinion); I think this would be easier to read if it was divided in quatrains. That's just something to consider.

~GeeLyria

Hi Nargles! Overall, lovely piece you have here. Just a couple things.

One, the first word of each line is capitalized. Now poets vary on this, but I personally don't like it in free verse poems. I find it distracting, and for some reason I always look to see if there's a hidden acrostic or something. I'd personally capitalize like in prose.

I think there should be stanzas somewhere in here as well. Possibly where you repeat "My mind was..."

Now, I think you could make this better by cleaning up some small words. For example

And nobody was there to
Rake it up into a neat pile.

My mind was being infected
By your scent and your eyes,

Piercing into my sweet little
Heart, unable to stop it.

Being killed by jealousy

I really like this poem especially the first 2 verses which involved a simile. I like how you tackled your emotions using metaphors. This makes the poem more interesting and hooks the reader to the poem. You also managed to add imagery to your poem "leaves in autumn", the sense of smell and sight. Senses have an effect of making the poem more realistic. So.....WELL DONE!!!!!
You did a great job, keep it up!

Wow your imaginary power is very nice and very neatly written poem. I like it from my heart. The idea behind this poem is also great. I'd like to see some more works from you and all the best for your writing career.

Keep writing and keep up the good work

gauravkundu32